Hats (Draft 1.0)

Hats

Hats aren’t a necessity to our outfit, but they definitely give you an extra edge. In my wardrobe analogy, hats, being worn on the top of our heads, represent our daughter’s formal education.

Do you remember those old school movies where the poised and beautiful ladies would adorn large hats to top off their tailored suits? Those hats just somehow completed the look and gave them that extra attractiveness. I always love the way Audrey Hepburn could pull off the look so gracefully.

Likewise, education is not a necessity in life for success. We have real life examples like Bill Gates dropping out of school but eventually becoming one of the world’s richest men. However, education definitely helps to give you an extra edge and equip you for challenges in the world.

“Hats” send messages and expectations about our intellect and capabilities in work. Imagine 2 people going for a 10 minute interview for a job that required a capable, responsible and learned candidate. If one wore a pristine mortarboard while the other wore a hard hat, who do you think would get a leg up?

What we wear on our head is an important cue to the world that speaks of our achievements, capabilities and experiences. They help us to stand out from the rest and differentiate us. Likewise, education is an important part of you that will help you stand out and open doors of opportunities.

Furthermore, like hats, our education protects us from potential risks and dangers in the working world.

It’s interesting to consider that hats started off as protective gear from the elements. Education- protects you from bad weather as well. When the rain comes, it affects our plans- like having to cancel picnic plans. In an economic crisis, getting retrenched, or having our employer changed, it looks like our lives are pretty much being rained out on too. In these scenarios, hats (or our formal academic qualifications) can protect us.

Hats provide us with the “Dry Weather Plan” by helping us stand out at the start and “Wet Weather Plan” when it bad times rain down on our children’s future careers.

Parents, helping us make the choice to pursue good grades and study what excites us is an important way to help us get by, matter what the stormy economic conditions!

Emphasizing the importance of doing well is probably easier said than done, so allow the insider (i.e. myself, the ex-kid) to offer perspective on what makes us tick:

Telling us to do well in school ultimately sounds like an order, and kids like us who have grown up witnessing democracy in action, don’t take well to top-down orders. It is a fact, especially among growing teenagers, that we are stubborn creatures.

The choice to do well in school is more meaningful when it comes from within. Parents just need to plant the seeds of motivation:

- Get us excited about learning, by bringing out the fun in discovery and the sense of accomplishment in gaining new knowledge! Then learning is for the sake of learning…and good grades become the icing on the cake.

As little kids, a lot of us learn to read using flashcards. My mom didn’t just flash them card after card to make me read. Instead, she laid all the cards on the floor, and turned it into a game:

“Touch ‘elbow’ with your elbow!”
“Point to ‘ball’ with your knee!”
“Put your nose to ‘flower’!”

Putting a twist on an otherwise dry exercise had me giggling through the entire flashcard game, and got me to think reading was fun.

Not only that, every time I read a flashcard right, my mom would compliment me excitedly and hug me. That sort of encouragement made me think I was really talented at reading. When an activity makes you feel smart or talented, you naturally grow to love it. On the flipside, if an activity makes you feel lousy about yourself, most of us tend to end up hating it.

Its important that parents recognize our strengths. Strengths are still strengths even if they aren’t in line with what you had planned for your daughters. If you want your daughter to be a ballerina, but she’s not cut out for it, it’s okay. Move on and help her discover something perfect for her.

My little sister was happily swooped up into ballet classes when she was 5 years old. But wait, one thing you have to understand first is that my sister, as a young girl, was a real tom boy! She would run around with toy pistols and pull at Barbie’s hair. So every weekend she would sadly be made to put on a pink leotard and go for ballet classes. She was miserable. Thankfully my mom realized that and put her in a sport instead! She signed up for gymnastics and loved it for all the running around and flips you could do and did gymnastics all the way up until she was 18.

At this point you might think to yourself, what if my daughter doesn’t like something she needs to do? What if the ballet in this case, was mathematics?

Good thinking. While encouraging them is great, we certainly can’t let our daughters simply do whatever they wish! Without a guided path, they might choose the wrong route that they thought was the best for them! It’s important to have the discernment to decide when something should be pursued in spite of them disliking it.

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I grew up in Canada, so when we returned to Singapore in 1995, we had to take up a compulsory second language. Because my brother Joe and I had started learning French in our previous schools, we were allowed to continue with that. My little sister, on the other hand, was required to take up Chinese. Boy, did she hate it! You can imagine a little primary 1 girls getting 70s for her first year of Chinese, while other primary 1’s were getting full marks!

Thankfully though, my parents made her persevere because they knew that Chinese was a highly important skill to pick up. They put her through tuition, and remedial classes and eventually she scored 97 for her final paper!

Likewise, I joined track and field when I went to secondary school. After years of hard training, I was getting tired of it. However, my parents constantly encouraged me to continue because they knew I was good at it. In the end, I was rewarded with a few trophies at the annual competitions and learnt so much about discipline and strength by persevering through it.

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In this case, as parents, you should ask yourself why you are pressing your child on to pursue activities she may not like. Is it because you are trying to live vicariously through her activities, to make up for opportunities you didn’t have when you were younger? Or is it because you see the activity as adding value to her life in terms of honing her life skills and experience? If it is the latter, then putting your child through it should do her good, as much as she hates it now. Many years down the road, she will appreciate the skills she has cultivated, that have helped her get ahead in life. Not only that, sticking to choices instills a spirit of excellence, accountability for choices and resilience- all key to dealing with life. After all, in everything you can learn something…it’s just a matter of whether you want to or not.

Because of our parents guidance, we became the people we are today (My sisters the only one out of the 3 kids that can order at Chinese restaurants!) There are certain good things that we, as parents, must continually encourage our daughters to pursue. I think the trick here is to encourage them to do what they are good at and what they like, but also, at the same time, encourage them to persevere at the things they are essential but do not like too much. With this formula, you’ll be setting your daughter in the right direction to put on her best hat that will make her stand out by doing what she’s good at and excelling as a result, while arming her with critical and essential skills that will protect her in the working world.

Dirty Clothing (Draft 1.0)

Dirty Clothing

I was on the bus on the way home, when at one of the stops, a man boarded. Since the bus was crowded, he had to remain standing…near me. Suddenly I was hit by a foul stench and it was obvious where the stench came from because that same man was sweaty and muddy from what looked like sports practice.

The stench affected the people around him. It was obvious from the way people covered their noses or turned their faces away, trying to evade the stench.

The stench affected him the most though. On top of looking very uncomfortable covered in sweat and mud, he looked around self-consciously when he realized that people around him on the bus were spaced further away from him than they were spaced away from other people, and that other people cast him offended glares for being a public nuisance.

This incident made me realize how a foul body odor affects others, and most of all, us.

I experienced this personally one day when I came home after practice and had to help out with some urgent chores, all the while remaining in the sweaty, grimy state I came home in. I felt reluctant to do the chores the entire time because I had not showered and felt an itch crawling on my skin. It was very uncomfortable, and I couldn’t do the chores as efficiently because I felt weighed down by how gross I felt.

Then I got to thinking, what if I had just showered and changed before doing the chores? I would have smelled good and felt fresh. And I would probably have finished my chores faster, and without reluctance.

Likewise, that stinky guy on the bus would have not have attracted glares and looks of disgust if he had just showered or changed into fresh clothes after his sports practice. Hey, maybe if he smelled good and looked fresh, he would have had a couple of chicks checking him out!

Clinging on to dirty clothes doesn’t do others good. Washing ourselves clean and changing into a fresh set of clothes helps put us on a clean slate. In the same way, we should keep emotionally clean slates in our lives. When I say “emotionally clean”, what I’m talking about is forgiveness - washing our past hurts away so that we can be refreshed and free of our dirty memories instead of walking around with a huge stain that shows.

A stain.

It shows.

People notice the stain and wonder how come we haven’t got rid of it, just like wondering how come we haven’t got over things that happened in the past. The trouble is that when people notice the stains, they mark us out as people who don’t have the self-respect to look fresh and feel clean. In the same way, they would mark out resentful and bitter people as people who don’t have the self-respect to be above petty issues, or to overcome past hurts.

The stains and dirty clothing don’t just affect people’s perceptions of us. The person it really affects the most… is ourselves.

It’s important to wash these stains off as soon as possible. If you leave them on for too long, it’s going to getter tougher and tougher to remove.

Getting our emotions on a clean slate requires us to forgive others for their wrongdoings or past hurts. Some of these were intentional, some were unintentional, but trying to take revenge or staying bitter about it doesn’t do anything to improve the situation.

Forgiveness is what allows us to clean our slate and start afresh. Forgiveness releases us from past grievances and hurts, and purges us of our stenches and stains. And in releasing us this way, it releases others from bearing the brunt of stenches and unsightly stains.

Forgiveness releases others, and forgiveness releases us – and release is the wonderful feeling we get when we put on crisp, clean clothing!

Chapter 9: Jackets Draft 1.0

Jackets

I remember when I was in University, my friend and I had a very important business pitch to make. We were still students, so we were used to wearing jeans and casual tops most of the time. I was lucky enough to realize in time for our meeting that going to school is not the same as going to a meeting where I would be making a business pitch. For a situation like that, I realized I needed to be professional and dress more formally. So even though I was already wearing a spaghetti strap top and jeans, I grabbed a business jacket on the way out – because a jacket always adds a dash of professionalism just by throwing it on. However, on the way to the meeting I realized I had not checked what my friend would be wearing. She turned up in ¾ jeans and a tank top, which turned out to be inappropriate because all the others making pitches were dressed in business attire. In the end, I was the only one fit to make the pitch because the jacket dressed me up and transformed my look.

That incident made me realize how uncanny it was that a jacket could make such a huge difference. From then on, jackets symbolized situational awareness to me. Like the moment I picked up a jacket because I realized the situation called for it, even though I was so used to wearing jeans and tank tops. It wasn’t a personal preference, but an expectation that the situation called for.

A jacket isn’t a wardrobe necessity, but an add-on – unlike tops or bottoms, which are crucial elements of the wardrobe. From my experience, I have realized that situational awareness as an add-on can really get you far ahead others who only have the basics.

I have a friend who stayed at a condominium off Holland Village, and at the end of a night out with friends when people asked her where she stayed, she was careful with her answers so she wouldn't appear to be boasting. If someone who stayed at Sixth Avenue or Bukit Timahwas offering others a ride, then my friend would mention she stayed around Holland Village. But if she was in different company, and knew she would be going home pretty much on her own, she would say she stayed near Clementi. She wasn't trying to lie or hide anything. Rather, she was exercising sensitivity to each situation and acting appropriately.

Situational awareness helps you feel more prepared for, and comfortable with any situation you face. Just like when you’re in a country with four seasons, or going in and out of an office with strong air-conditioning, your jacket will always have you covered if you happen to feel cold. In that way, it is equipment that prepares you in times of unexpected or unwelcoming conditions.

I thought that situational awareness was important to highlight because I noticed a lot of us Singaporeans tend to be oblivious to the situations we are in. Take for example the other day when I was hailing a taxi on the roadside. Soon, I saw a taxi on its way, but before it could even reach me, someone walked straight onto the pavement about twenty meters in front of me and flagged the taxi. Maybe that person was in a rush, or maybe that person did not actually intend to “steal” it, but perhaps it would have been more appropriate to look around at the situation, to see whether he was perhaps cutting someone else’s queue. I’m not putting that person entirely at fault. I think if the taxi driver had seen me first, it would also have been appropriate to the situation to head straight for me rather than the most convenient passenger. Again, I’m not trying to find someone to blame, but I’m more concerned about highlighting the need for us to pick up little issues in the day-to-day that might affect others, or even ourselves. This requires us to constantly consider what situations we may face and what is expected of us so we can be aware enough to make the best of any situation.

Making the best of any situation is another reason why I love having a jacket. A jacket is an ingredient in our wardrobe that helps make us look sharp in an instant.

Take a look at these two pictures:

[picture of someone in normal attire]

[picture of someone in same attire but with a jacket]

These two people are dressed alike, but you had to choose, who would you think is the boss?

It would definitely be the one in the jacket, because jackets are formal enough to make the wearer stand out, even though the only difference between the two is a jacket! The effect when we wear jackets can be put on and taken off just like that, and that tells us how jackets can help us switch to the mode that is appropriate to the situation, just like that.

Being able to switch modes, just like switching to jackets because they are appropriate, helps us leave others with a good impression of us. It tells them that we are capable of discerning – since we were situationally aware enough to choose to put on a jacket in the first place!

[anecdotes]

Joce’s notes:

- Good start

- The flow is great

- Need to add in take aways- we know that situational awareness is important, but what can you tell me about situational awareness that is insightful and that I do not already know about?

- You should have at least 2 takeaways, each with elaboration and explanations

- Think about these carefully

Chapter 8:Watches Draft 1.0

Watches

Takeaways?

- Punctuality is very important

- With respect to yourself:

- In today’s fast paced world that waits for no one, being punctual is no longer a choice, it’s a absolute necessity. With 20 equal candidates are fighting for that 1 managerial position in the bank, you being late, means you being cancelled out.

- Punctuality is important because it speaks volumes about how you live your life. It shows that you care enough about the things you have committed to and respect yourself enough to give yourself the full experience of that particular activity. It shows that you are enthusiastic. It shows that you value your day and how it is spent. It shows that you are motivated, organized, in control…

- Punctuality draws many inferences into your character.

- If my dad needed to be at work at 8.30 a.m., he would reach the office at 8.15 a.m.

- I realized this when I followed him to work one day, and noticed he was the only person in the office.

- “Wow, daddy. Where is everyone today?” I asked

- “Work starts at 8.30 a.m., dear” he replied with a smile, and got to work deftly.

- When the clock struck 8.30, a few people streamed in. It was only at 9 that the office was finally packed.

- Later on the way home, my dad told me that he liked being punctual, or better yet, early. He said, “It’s important to control time, not let time control you”.

- At that time, I just kept silent because I didn’t really understand what he meant.

- Then one day I had an interview for a prestigious scholarship. I woke up on time and left the house on time. Everything was going according to plan. Until I walked past an old lady whose grocery bag burst from the weight of all the fruits in it! The fruits rolled off the pavement and onto the road, but she was too feeble to pick them up. So I rushed onto the road to help her.

- By the time I was done, I saw my bus drive past. Even though I ran for it, I still missed the bus.

- I arrived for my interview fifteen minutes late, and panting.

- My interviewers were not impressed by my tardiness and needless to say, I didn’t get the scholarship. I was really disappointed because I thought I had a good chance.

- Even though I thought helping that old lady was a good excuse for being late, I realized that to my interviewers, it didn’t even matter that I had an excuse. I was late. Full stop.

- I was really disappointed, but there was a lesson I learnt: no matter what the excuse is, when we are late, it still looks like we didn’t control time, but let time control us.

- It was then that I finally understood why my dad liked going to work early. While I was definitely cared about this interview which I had committed to, was more than enthusiastic about attending it, and motivated to do well, my interviewers did not see that in me. Because I was late.

- Punctuality draws many inferences into your character.

- With respect to others:

- Punctuality is showing that you respect other people’s time, it shows that you value their lives. This will help you earn their respect.

- If you are late, do not think it is minor. It is serious. You are selfish. You value your self over others. You rob them of their precious time.

- Problem: You try to be punctual, but you simply can’t.

- This is a lie. If you truly valued the other person, you would make the effort to ensure that you are not late. It is an excuse that exemplifies your selfishness.

- Punctuality is a choice to remove your selfishness. It applies for all aspects of life. In meetings, school, friends, family. If you care enough, you would be on time.

- Anecdote about this person you know (ie, MOM).

- She knows her husband strongly values going to church on time. Yet, when she is already late and holding him back, she does not hurry, she walks to the car slowly and does not appear anxious.

- Do you think that she values her husbands feelings? Do you think that she values her husbands time? Do you think she values her husbands values? And, is she respecting this individual and loving him? Is she being a supporter and friend, rather than a hindrance?

- No, no, and no.

- She is clearly selfish.

I once read an interview with a successful real estate businessman called Jared Kushner, and he was asked what the best thing was that his dad taught him.

He said,

“I remember when I was younger, I had an interview in the city, at 9:00 in the morning on a Tuesday, and he said, "When will you leave?" I said, "I'll leave at 8:00." He said, "What if there's traffic?" I said, "There's never traffic, I do this drive all the time." He said, "What if there's an accident?" I said, "Fine." He said, "What if there's a terrorist attack?" He said, "If someone's nice enough to give you an interview, you get there on time. It's your job, and you leave at 6:00 and get there at 6:20 and sit there in a coffee shop until 9:00 waiting for the interview." But the basic point of the message was, there are things in life that you can't change, which is what other people do, but you can control your own actions. So to the point that you could control your own actions, you have to do everything in your power to do it.”

- Emphasize: Remember to be punctual. If you are faithful in the small things, you will be faithful in larger things.

2.

- Purposelessness wastes time. To help your daughter find her calling and purpose in life, you need to build her experiences.

- Are your daughters making full use of their lives?

- While you are reading, jogging, painting or working, other people may be studying, socializing, drinking coffee, or travelling.

- While you are doing something, so is everyone else.

- The world does not wait for you.

- While you are taking that final exam or making that sales pitch, so are you friends, so are your colleagues.

- Your competition moves with you.

- You get back your grade, you get back your sales production numbers, 75 versus 90. $1000 bonus versus a $5000 bonus.

- Your competition moves faster than you.

- Your competition wins you.

- Your competition just took what could have been yours.

- While we all share the same time, what we choose to do with it is everything. Are your daughters making full use of their lives? If they are intelligent girls and are sitting around doing nothing, you, as a guardian and mentor have failed. You have failed to help them realize their fullest potential. You are cheating and robbing your daughter of achieving her dream.

- In the next few paragraphs, I will focus on overcoming purposelessness. Purposelessness robs you of precious time that could’ve been spent more productively. It leaves you rooted to a spot while everyone else surges ahead.

- Purposelessness is a result of a lack of exposure which causes a very narrow range of life choices to select from. Purposelessness can be overcome by encouraging activity and experience.

- As a parent, encourage activity. Don’t teach her to sit still.

- Doing something is always better than doing nothing.

- Well, duh, okay genius you got me there!

- What if it was getting into a fight… versus staying at home and watching television?

- You would think that staying at home would have been better, but on an alternative view, do you believe that that would’ve robbed her of a possible learning experience?

- With the right guidance and good communication channels (this is crucial) you can rest secured that if you encourage activity, any activity, your child will grow positively.

- If you reduce your control on her life while simultaneously be her open channel of communication who she can trust, both parent and child can grow together, going through experiences that will change both your lives and eliminate purposelessness.

- Can use your own anecdote or just take mine. See below:

- I have a friend, Natalie, (joce’s friend- natal) who has a fantastic relationship with her mother. They talk about everything and share their experiences with one another. Her mom trusts her, and lets her do things that most mom’s would think twice about.

- For example, Natalie has a degree in Geology. What’s that? Well, I’m sure it’s a lot more complex, but in short, it’s the study of rocks.

- Point to note: we live in Singapore. There aren’t very many rocks that we can study.

- But today, Natalie is one of the happiest and greatest girls I know. She’s confident, secure, genuine, kind, and generous, has a wide array of interest and hobbies, is lovable, popular… you name the great personality trait, she’s got it! Her life is, for the majority of the time, in perfect balance- and she’s so happy with where she is today. That’s not something remarkably difficult to find nowadays.

- Do you know what kind of life Natalie lived in her younger days?

- She started out as an insecure child, a little bit of a tom boy, quite out of place and awkward. But Nat was blessed with an awesome mom (I’m so blessed to personally know the family and grow up with Nat) who encouraged her to experiment and was always there for feedback and guidance. So Nat tried out gymnastics, moved on to hiking, astrology, track, basketball…and eventually realized that she loved the outdoors. In junior college, she joined ODAC (Outdoor Activity Club) and learnt about star constellations, botany, mountains and rocks, until one day, she just knew that Geology was what she wanted to do.

- Natalie is an example of how exposing your daughter to many experiences and being her open channel of communication will help her to understand and find her calling in life.

- Your goal as a parent should be to facilitate your daughters experiences so that she her a clear view of her situations and is able to make informed decisions.

- It’s about letting them find out their strengths through trial and error, and being there as a advanced and experienced guide that prevents the good that can come out from those experiences to be turned sour by misguided thinking or inaccurate evaluations from outsiders.

- Point to note: Helping your daughter to not waste time, and make full use of her life, IS NOT equivalent to forcing her to take those ballet lessons you always dreamt your daughter to take. It’s about encouraging her to go out there and try new things, leaving the experimenting and discovering to her and review sessions to you.

Conclude.

Chapter 7: Make Up Draft 1.0

Make up

Makeup is a complimentary enhancement product that should technically only be bought or worn in a way that compliments one’s existing features and assets and/or covers up or minimizes one’s flaws.

Make up should be avoided if it makes one’s skin break-out, makes one uglier, emphasizes one’s pimples and most of all overly thick and ‘cake-ish’ application must be avoided in order to facilitate the skin to breathe.

In my wardrobe analogy, make up represents the boyfriends in the girls’ lives.

Relationships, in this case the boyfriend, should be complimentary. God made men and women to compliment each other- as companions and not competitors (as a help-mate). Eve was taken from Adam’s ribs not his head to rule over him or his toes to be ruled by him or trampled upon.

A relationship should help your daughter grow as a person and make her be better. They should enhance the abilities that the girl already has and help her realize the strengths she has yet to realize. Just like makeup, the boyfriend should help the girl be the best she can be – someone better than if she were to live her life single.

Better than simply telling them, show them. If you want to teach your girls to go down the right love paths, behave yourself in a manner that is uplifting and encouraging.

The best gift you can give to your children is to love each other. When you love each other you love naturally flows from a horizontal manner to a vertical manner that reaches us the children.

How you treat each other give us a preview of how marriage life will be like and it can either encourage or set a standard for your daughter to follow or drastically poison the view of marriage or even boyfriend and girlfriend relationships.

Here’s a positive example from my parents. It’s how my dad treats my mom. My dad opens the door for her, makes and buys her gifts out of the blue, picks her up in spite of distance, follows her to her conferences and goes swimming even though he rather just play tennis!

I reflected upon this one day and realized that my dad’s love and actions towards my mother had impacted my relationships greatly.

I started my first serious relationship when I was 16 and had a couple of diverse relationships after my first teenage love. Most of the relationships started off fine, the boys weren’t abusive, they were relative decent though hugely irritating at times, treated me like princesses, showered love upon …etc…..but yet I felt that they weren’t the one for me.

I ended most of my relationship not because wither party fell in love with someone else but more so because I just felt it wasn’t right. The fit wasn’t comfortable and I felt that the relationship was transforming me into someone whom I didn’t respect or like. I felt controlled at times, in which it lead to a spiral of unhappy quiet moments that no one saw. I managed my feelings well but inside I just knew that I knew that I knew that I had to get out.

I realized now that it was because none of them could live up to the standards that my dad had set. Parents play a very important role in their daughters’ lives and represent the first romantic relationship in our lives.

Talk more about the importance of living good examples in romance. And how they can still do it today even if they haven’t been doing so.

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Another thing I wished my parents taught me or talked to me about was sex.

Sex is so important. It was the basis of how we were created. And given the bombardment of the media we need you to ground us with the values you want us to have otherwise we are just going to learn it from the internet, magazines, books and friends. Furthermore, sex isn’t a very explored area that isn’t openly talked about in our schools and conservative society. It is important that as parents we guide our daughters in the right way.

Insert stuff from sex god?

Chapter 6: Gloves Draft 1.0

Gloves

We wear gloves to protect our hands. We use our hands to do almost everything! Most of all, we use our hands to make transactions: to give, receive, pay, serve, offer and collect.

Your hands are so vital to everyday activities that you can just imagine how impaired your life would be if your hands were burnt or were injured. You wouldn’t be able to do a lot of things like you used to, or if you did, you’d do it with more difficulty than usual.

So in order to be the best you can be, you’ve got to make the choice to protect your hands. When we’re reaching into the oven to pull some cookies out, we need kitchen gloves to protect our hands from getting burnt. In the winter, we wear gloves to protect our hands from the cold, and keep us warm. Durian sellers wear gloves so that they won’t get pricked by durian thorns!!!

We actually don’t need to wear gloves all the time, but when temperatures get extreme and circumstances get thorny, it’s time to take out the gloves and protect those hands!

What do gloves represent?

In my wardrobe analogy, our hands represent giving and receiving. Gloves represent protecting ourselves when we are doing so. It’s important to give but we need to know when the right time to give is, and when we need to stop and start to receive as well.

In this chapter, I will be talking about the importance and benefits of giving wholeheartedly. However, I will also point out that its so important to know when you need too start receiving as well. If you don’t balance the giving with receiving, it will be like purchasing a one-sided glove! A balance needs to be struck so that your life can be fulfilling when you give and so you will not tire from helping others.

WHAT IS GIVING?

Before we can start tackling this concept, it is important to differentiate between short and long term giving. In short term giving, it is very straightforward. Give, and if you’re lucky, receive. If not, take it as a blessing on someone else’s life that otherwise would not have been touched.

Sometimes, I give and forget that I do not need to receive all the time. If I had given with the purpose of blessing someone else and not for the purpose of making myself feel like a “nice girl”, then I would not have gotten angry like the way I did one day.

It was the day I was feeling particularly charitable and saw this lady selling tissue and small knick knacks at her makeshift stall along the Orchard MRT walkway. In need for some tissue and at the same time in a charitable mood, I gave her $10 instead of the usual $1.

Now, what that old lady did next really ticked me off!

Without a word of thanks, she looked down and handed me one packet of tissue instead of the usual 3. When I asked for one more, she rolled her eyes at me, hissed an impatient “Ugh” and grudgingly gave me that packet of tissue.

Boy was I angry! How dare she return my generous act with an “ugh” and a single packet of tissue! The nerve of her.

Instead of displaying true generosity and living by my values, I went away feeling angry and cheated that I was not even given a sign of appreciation in return.

Did I have to feel that way? No. Could I have ignored her and not let her affect me? Yes.

It is a blessing to give, so give unconditionally.

When we stop giving unconditionally and start looking for returns, we are not truly remembering all the things we have been blessed with, and the things that have enabled us to pass the blessings on. We become more self-centered, and less concerned with others. When we stop giving, we stop allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to others and hinder our desire to continue giving and blessing.

Now, let us move on to the more long term types of giving. Long term giving is applicable to family and close friends who you spend a lot of time with.

I know a friend who was stuck with an insecure, unconfident and needy friend. The friendship started out well because the 2 girls shared common interests, tastes, and activities. Unfortunately, as the 2 girls grew more comfortable with one another, one of them started showing her real colors, voicing out displeasure when her friend talked to someone else for too long, or didn’t follow her down for breaks. The girl would talk behind her friends back and put her down because she felt that the other was more popular than her. My friend, being a naturally self-sacrificial individual, stuck by her side and continued to give in to her whims and fancies. She would only hang out with her, stop talking to her other friends, and take it when she found out from others that she was being bad mouthed. She thought that if she had kept on being a good friend, things would change.

Until one day, she decided that she had had enough.

She couldn’t take it anymore so when junior college ended, she decided to sever all ties with that friend and stopped meeting her. Thank goodness she did! That friendship only served to drain her, make her unhappy and pull her down. You should’ve seen how that friendship turned a happy girl into a depressed one. I’m glad she managed to get out.

Giving to those around us can be a tricky thing. How do we know when to stop?

We should stop if that friendship is not giving us enough to encourage us as individuals. If all the friendship does is to take and take and drain and drain, then it’s time you either have a talk with that friend, or get out of the friendship.

When we teach our daughters to give, we need to remember that it needs to be coupled with the ability and humility to receive.

My dad once told me this story of a baker who baked for confectionaries and restaurants, but never fed himself. He was always hungry even though he was the source of all the bread! This taught me the lesson that when you give, you also have to receive.

Likewise, some of us can’t stop giving, we serve others with time and effort, offer our help, but at the end of the day we end up really drained of energy, and all the more so when it is not appreciated. We give so much that we can’t receive and without realizing it. What I’ve learnt after all these years is that if you don’t receive you may also rob people of the joy of giving.

I’ve learnt that when you choose not to receive, you are also choosing not to let a relationship grow.

Often times, you have to receive in order to be fueled on to continue give. Receiving isn’t just about other people giving you things, it also means acknowledging their gifts, and appreciating those gifts. It’s only when you are appreciative of all the things you have, that you realize how loved and blessed you are, and that fills up your capacity to give.

Chapter 5: Underwear Draft 1.0

Underwear

As important as social interaction may be, alone time for yourself is equally critical. In short,

- Alone time gets you rejuvenated:

o To recover in order to discover new lessons

o To reprogramme in order to programme your life

o To recharge in order to be in charge of your life

o To reflect in order to affect people in the future (in a good way)

o To regenerate in order to successfully build your generations

Alone time doesn’t have to be done cooped up at home in your room! You can spend it on the bus, or while you’re clocking up miles on the treadmill – it’s a frame of mind you can lapse into whenever you can think to yourself, even in the midst of other people. I have a friend, Denise, who has a packed schedule, but uses her cheerleading practices as her alone time. To her, the practices are a form of respite from her tight work schedule.

I learnt the importance of alone time after neglecting it too much.

When I came back from Canada in 2006 & when I started allowing people to give to me, my network grew exponentially. As I got to more people, lots of opportunities arose, which was definitely very exciting! But I was an eager beaver – a kiasu Singaporean who wanted a shot at everything, in addition to being a very restless person, so I allowed myself to be stretched in all sorts of directions.

Although I learnt a lot from the various experiences, I never had the alone time to figure out what I wanted for myself. To make matters worse, I ended up very focused on what people suggested for me, or thought would be good for me…but I’ve learnt that no one can do that better than myself! After all, there are many good decisions and choices to make, but what is best? What was good for them may not have been as good for me.

That is just the tip of the iceberg though. The worst part about being a social butterfly was that I was so busy trying to match up to others’ expectations that I blocked out my parents’ advice, suggestions and expectations. I was completely maxed out, and had reached a plateau in the number of suggestions I could take into consideration. Like any other person, I only had 24 hours and there were only so many instructions I could follow. I realized that if I had some alone time, I would have rationalized that my parents knew me far better than any of my friends could, and that their suggestions were way better than any friend’s suggestions could ever be.

Chapter 4: Putting on our Shoes

Shoes

Main take away:

All girls need a good pair of shoes. As girls, most of us are somehow innately attracted to shoes and this fetish sometimes gives a spiritual and emotional high allowing us to feel on to of the world. Shoes and women are like men and soccer and without shoes we feel displaced. So just like without God in our lives, life wouldn’t be the same. We need our shoes for the fashion aspect that it caters for but we also need shoes to keep our feet protected from the dirt and harmful object that decorate the ground. We need good shoe that fits to provide us with the comfort in our life’s journey and though we have a choice to go barefoot, wearing a pair of good shoes creates a remarkable difference to the comfort and ability to do more things in life.

*****

I used to have a lot of trouble understanding what it meant to have a relationship with God. To my teenager self, I thought: it’s not as if I can pick up the phone and call God up for a chat, right? Wrong.

Now that I’m older I’ve learnt that God is a 24-hour surveillance camera and a 24-hour hotline, completely free of charge. All we need to do is make contact with him, saying “Hi!” to the surveillance camera and thanking God for watching over us and keeping us safe, or calling up the God Hotline to say “Help!” There’s nothing to stop us from doing this – it’s free! Didn’t they say the best things in life are free?

So how did I get the “wakeup call” to finally get to know God?

Growing up, my parents were devout Christians who were active in church and did their best to teach me about God. But to my younger self, stuff like “…” & “…” didn’t really make sense, and sometimes it was pretty puzzling. I felt as if they wanted me to get to know their God, but what I really needed was to get to know my God – to come to an understanding of God that made sense to me.

After many years of trying to get the hint, and some blessed souls I met along the way (like Mike Reyes, who you’ll read about later on), I finally got the “wakeup call”!

I think choosing to know God is a lot like shopping for shoes.

I’ve realized that when we buy shoes, we all look at the cut, the size, or how broad it is (if we have broad feet). Then we take out the cash and the leap of faith that the shoes won’t give us blisters or sore feet when we wear them out. The key here is that we had to take that leap of faith, not knowing how things with those shoes would turn out. But if things don’t turn out well, we tend to chuck those shoes aside or neglect those shoes.

Likewise, choosing to get to know God requires us to take a leap of faith, not really knowing how things would turn out. I think there are definitely moments when our faith will be tested, but if our first instinct is the same as with shoes that don’t fit, we end up chucking our relationship with God aside, or neglecting God.

That’s when we stop getting to know God, and that’s when we stop wearing those shoes that don’t fit.

Let’s go back to talking about shoes! What happens after throwing that pair of shoes away? I think a lot of us go out and get new ones. But how do we know that the new shoes will fit us great? We have to reflect and think back on the pair that didn’t fit and ask what the problem was. Was it too narrow? Was the material too stiff? We’ve got to get to know what works and what doesn’t so we can keep making more informed choices.

Now how does all this relate to forming a relationship with God? Well, what happens when there’s something we don’t understand about God? If we don’t replace our lack of understanding with some new answers, then we are basically continuing to wear shoes that hurt, shoes that don’t fit, and shoes we don’t like. But I think if we can replace ill-fitting shoes with better fitting shoes, then we should also be able to replace a lack of understanding with a better understanding. How? By going “shopping” for answers, to get to know what works and what doesn’t so we can make informed choices in our relationship with God.

I think that when we know what helps and what doesn’t help our relationship with God, then we can communicate with our parents what makes sense to us as we try to understand God.

Maybe at this point you’re thinking, “what difference does it make whether I have a relationship with God or not?”

The night before a party that my girlfriends and I were really looking forward to, there was a mega shoe sale with incredible discounts. It was a sale not to be missed, and we were there in a heartbeat! It was also all we could talk about the next day.

“Did you see that pair of strappy platforms with the carved wooden heel? Oh my gosh I was so tempted to buy them but I realized I already had another pair like that.”

“Yes! I saw those, they were so pretty but I got distracted by the silver pumps with the satin bow at the back. I just had to get them!”

I think there’s something uplifting about putting on a great pair of shoes: our posture changes, our mood changes, and even our height changes and our legs look longer. It’s as if shoes have some higher power that is sent from above.

We season our shoes, we polish our shoes, we protect our shoes in shoeboxes and shoe bags, we spend time gawking at shoes – we practically have a relationship with our shoes that just seems crazy to most men who don’t love shoes like we ladies do. And I have realized that the same goes when it comes to our relationship with God – our relationship with God is unfathomable to people who don’t have the same relationship with God.

Let’s compare what it’s like to wear shoes, and what it’s like not to wear shoes: suddenly, we are that much more vulnerable to all these dangers around us. The day after the shoe sale, we all turned up at the party in our new shoes. After a few hours of dancing and mingling, our feet started to hurt. So a few of my girlfriends took off their shoes thinking they could party in comfort. Being barefoot made them completely vulnerable: their toes were easily stepped on because there was nothing to protect their feet. When someone dropped a glass and it shattered on the dance floor, they were at high risk of getting cut by glass. And on our way out of the club, one of them came close to stepping on a cigarette butt left smoldering on the sidewalk. After all the danger their feet were exposed to, they decided it was a silly choice to go barefoot. They realized they should have kept their shoes on even if it hurt, because it wasn't worth getting stepped on, stepping on glass or cigarette butts.

Even though we could technically keep a lookout for these dangers and try to avoid them on our own, we are not all knowing. It’s hard to always keep tabs on the exact moment danger is going to strike or know exactly when danger is lurking.

I think the lesson here is that its better to wear shoes than not wear shoes at all. Likewise, having a relationship with God is very different from a life of not knowing God.

Shoes – like a relationship with God – offer us a layer of protection.

I’ve noticed that when we walk, our feet are always in contact with a surface, so they're most susceptible to wear and tear. And as we walk life's journey, I think we're bound to walk a rough road at some point, or get cut by foreign objects at some point – so shoes, like God, keep us protected as we go along.

A few years ago, my friend Tim was posted to Mumbai by the Singapore Tourism Board to promote Singapore in India. However, on the very night of the Mumbai shootings, he and his team randomly decided not to have their usual dinner in the Hotel and instead go out for dinner. It was a very close shave. The hotel they were staying at was the very hotel where the shootings occurred.

Was it divine intervention by a higher power, or pure coincidence?

Another time, my parents hadn’t visited my brother and I in Canada in years. As much as they wanted to, the Christmas period was too expensive to take a flight out, so they planned a holiday to Phuket instead. A few days before leaving for Phuket, my mom spent some time talking to God. She was then prompted to check her e-mail, even though it wasn’t even the address she usually checked, and she received a promotional email selling tickets to Canada at half the price! They decided to forgo their Phuket trip and head for Canada.

As it turned out, it wasn’t just a chance to go to Canada. It was the chance to escape the Tsunami that hit Phuket. ‘Coincidentally’, the beachside hotel that was worst hit was also the hotel my family had intended to stay at. If it were not for the ‘coincidence’, I might be writing this book as a tribute to my parents.

Was it divine intervention by a higher power, or pure coincidence?

I know some of us must be thinking, “But I’ve lived without a relationship with God all my life, and nothing really horrible has happened, so what’s the big deal?” Or likewise, “I’ve gone barefoot before, but nothing major has happened!”

But for all we know, we might have been blessed in ways we are not even aware of, like running a marathon thinking it was all accomplished on our own, but forgetting that we were blessed with legs that could run and the chance to own shoes that made the journey so much smoother.

Or maybe some of us might acknowledge that a higher power exists, but have never really established a relationship with God. I think it’s a pity when this happens. It's like having a good pair of shoes but never putting it on – sounds ridiculous but that's exactly what I did once: my ex-boyfriend’s mom bought me a pair of Calvin Klein heels as a gift. They were made of white suede and were incredibly comfortable. Yet I never dared to wear them out because I did not want to damage them. So I left them untouched in my wardrobe for years even though they were the best pair of shoes I owned. I am kicking myself just thinking about it!

Many years later I retrieved the shoes from my wardrobe, but they had yellowed and aged to the point where I could not wear them out anymore. That was then I realized I really wasted a good pair of shoes.

Looking back, I realized how silly I was for taking for granted the good things I was given in life. And I think we shouldn’t forget that all these good things in life are received through our relationship with God. Some of us might find this hard to relate to, but maybe it’s because their relationship with God isn’t completely comfortable yet.

Let’s think back to the party I talked about in the beginning of the chapter. Why did my girlfriends still take off their shoes halfway through the party? The shoes were uncomfortable. They didn't fit right. The thing is, as much as any shoe can provide physical protection, it has to fit our feet well. If the shoes don’t fit right, we’re bound to take them off and go barefoot.

Sometimes picking the right shoe match boils down to what we need the shoe for. We need boots in the winter, but definitely not at the beach! Imagine if the sand at the beach gets into our boots – that would be so uncomfortable, and definitely not what we need the shoe for. I think that when our shoes feel right, they help us accomplish more – just as when our relationship with God feels right, God can help us accomplish more.

It’s like the 100m race: if we ran the race barefoot, we would run pretty slowly and our feet would definitely be sore by the end of the race. Wearing some running shoes can help us run faster and definitely keep our feet protected.

But if we wore track shoes with spikes, they would give us a better grip and help launch us forward, meaning we can clock a much better timing. Those track shoes with spikes offer better comfort and are more appropriate to the activity or occasion at hand.

Or when we go shopping, it would feel fabulous to go in heels, but only if they fit our feet well enough for us to stay comfortable. Otherwise, it’s probably best to go shopping in flats because they’re easy to change out of (so we can try more shoes!), and we can shop for a longer time because our feet wouldn’t hurt.

Shoes are a really important part of the entire package, even if it’s not the first thing we would notice. They help protect us. They help us outperform ourselves, whether in height (like heels) or in speed (like sports shoes). It’s as if we are tapping on some higher power for better performance and better protection. That higher power is God, and you can call him anytime. Just clasp your hands together and close your eyes!

Notes to parents:

The shoes that work for you don't necessarily work for us. Likewise, the way you understand God might not make sense to us, or resonate with us. 

It would be great if you could help us find our own meaning in our walk with God, so that it doesn't feel like hand-me-down shoes: seasoned and comfortable to you, but possibly the wrong cut or design to suit us in terms of our age or our personal style.

 Imposing too many restrictions and attributing it to God is a lot like making us wear a shoe that is way too thick and padded: it offers great protection but it offers no ventilation or space to feel comfortable. If a shoe is that uncomfortable then we are more likely to take it off than keep it on, which is liken to rejecting God completely. This leaves us with no protection, or no God at all, defeating the purpose of teaching us about God to begin with

Please take note of your actions and behaviour because to us girls we need someone to exemplify the good of God. We need to see ‘God’s character in you before we will want to accept it in our lives. We are quick to judge just like the world we live in. So please be a good testimony for God in order to help us comprehend instead of rejecting God.