Coming up Tops

Chapter 4

Coming up Tops

Dear chicks,

Have you noticed that the fashionable few may stick to basic bottoms, but make big statements with their tops? Someone in a pussy-bow blouse will immediately strike you as prim and serious, while another decked out in an embellished bolero comes across as flamboyant and extroverted. The bottomline is, tops often send out the strongest message about your sense of style when you meet a new acquaintance.

Similarly, you instantly decide whether you like a person you’ve just met based on what they say, how they talk, their body language, how they interact with you and even the invisible energy they send out. These signals are called vibes. And, like tops, they make or break first impressions.

If only I knew the importance of initial vibes when I was a teen. That way, I would have known how important it was to project myself the right way, so more people would have taken the chance to know the confident, assured me. Vibes are invisible, but powerful messages that we send out either consciously or subconsciously. These are the gut feelings that you get about people, even when you cannot exactly pinpoint the specific reasons for having them. They’re what people remember you by, off the top of their heads!

In this chapter, I’ll challenge you to think of all the vibes you would like to send out, and the ones which are consciously/subconsciously emitting. Tell everyone about who you are, and learn how you could select the perfect top to get the respect and attention that you deserve. In short, read on to find out how to be on top of your game!

Love,

Jacy

How to be the girl everyone likes

We all come in unique shapes and sizes and have different strengths and callings in life. Yes you may suck at some things, but I’m sure you must be awesome at doing a lot of other things. But why is it that some people just seem to make friends so easily? They may not be the smartest, richest or prettiest people you know, but people always surround them. I think it stems from the fact that we all like to be around someone with whom we’re comfortable, who is genuine and filled with sincerity and doesn’t cause us to have our guards up in fear that we would be taken advantage of. In short, it’s a person we can trust because we know his/her intentions are pure.

Vibes are vital

This sounds really scary, but studies have shown that some people base their entire opinion of a person on first impressions alone. Girls, face the facts: Friends, teachers, boyfriends and co-workers — plus whomever else’s paths you may cross — often decide on the kind of relationship they want with you within 10 minutes of making your acquaintance!

Let’s say you wore a skin-baring top that makes you look like you’ve stepped out from a nightclub. Even if you were a straight-A student, ultra-nice and super–responsible, most people (yes, especially given our generation of superficial naysayers) would dismiss you as the complete opposite of who you really are.

Bad vibes, like awful tops, create strong impressions. And when the right vibes emanate from our every pore, we automatically attract the right company and good will, plus create for ourselves the right opportunities. But why do some people emit such negativity?

It all boils down to being a genuine person or a fake. You know how you may meet someone for the first time and you may not be able to pinpoint why, but your gut instinct tells you something is wrong? Someone who is being genuine will send out good vibes. Period. That same person has respect for everybody she meets, regardless of status and station, and does not have an agenda. The opposite: An opportunist who only meets new people if they’re useful contacts or are “worth knowing”. And this fake character will surely send out bad vibes, even if she’s a master at concealing her ulterior motives.

And beyond those initial few seconds of making your acquaintance, vibes also have a more lasting impact on your acquaintances. You know how most photos that you have of yourself show your upper-half and the top you’re wearing? Just like how your top has been immortalised in a photo, those initial vibes also create long-term impressions on some people you meet.

[Start of activity box]

Have you ever been introduced to someone new, a boy your age for example, and for some reason you hold back from getting to know him? He may have a great smile, and speaks eloquently, but there’s just something that’s not right.

Similarly, how do we come across as a class A Witch (and we’re not talking the adorable Harry Potter variety) or a Miss Congeniality, whom everyone wants to befriend?

First, draw up a list (we chicks love fun lists!) of what and who you want to draw into your life, and the people and things you want to repel like a blood-sucking mozzie!

What I want What needs to stay away

Eg: Positive, respectful friends Eg: Toxic friends who don’t appreciate who I am

Eg: A healthy self-confidence Eg: Negativity and insecurity

[End of activity box]

Focusing on what you want will help you select the right tops — that is, those all-important vibes you send out. Instead of concentrating on hiding every insecurity and weakness, decide today to focus on your strengths and doing what you are good to gain confidence.

Slowly, through your expressions, mannerisms, words, body language and even the sense of style, you’ll begin to send out the right, positive energies.

Fits to a T

We all seek that perfectly-fitted clothing that flaunts our assets and plays down the bumps and bulges. A piece that seems to be tailored just for you makes you feel good, and gives you the reassurance you need to face the world. This great top is what makes you feel loved.

So how do we find this seemingly miraculous outfit?

1. Find love by loving yourself.

You know that nagging voice inside your head that keeps telling you that your thighs are too fat or you are not good enough for your crush object’s attention? Recognise your self-sabotaging ways and tell that voice to “shut up”!

Stop drawing yourself to negative situations and people. If you keep thinking, “Oh, I’m destined to be loveless”, then chances are you will be loveless because you will be subconsciously attracting this kind of situation.

Instead, list your top three unique strengths or things you like most about yourself and write reasons as to why you deserve to be loved. If you have trouble admitting your strengths, ask a friend what she loves most about you.

Then, post that list where you can see it all the time, for instance, as your computer wallpaper or on your wardrobe. Add to the list progressively as you go along. Remind yourself every day that you are one hot, lovable chick!

2. Reward yourself often.

Celebrate your every accomplishment regardless of how big or small it is — do it in unique ways. It could be as simple as eating your favourite icecream or buying yourself something you have always wanted.

3. Change your perception and allow yourself to be loved.

Realise and accept that you are worthy to be loved as much as everyone else. Decide today to allow yourself to shine in your strengths and to accept the things you cannot change, and to pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

4. Communicating

If you’re feeling neglected and appreciated, it doesn’t mean you have to immediately leave your friends or family. The true test of love is making your relationships work, and when you’re feeling you’re not getting what you deserve, you should be able to communicate this with your loved ones. I’m sure you’re thinking, “How do I tell my mum or dad that I want them to spend time with me?” or “How do I tell my best friend that she treats me like crap?”. It can be hard and maybe a bit corny to talk about this kind of stuff, but you really should let other people know when you’re hurting. Here are some tips:

Schedule some QT with your loved one. Don’t have “the talk” when they’re stressed about something or you’re upset emotional. Pick a time when you’re both relaxed and can talk about the situation rationally and objectively.

Go old school with snail mail. Sometimes communicating through words just doesn’t make the cut, it forces you to perfrom on the spot. Not only do you need to watch your words but you also need to ensure that your body language and the tone you use is appropriate. So turning to writing gives you more time to prepare and arrange your thoughts. It also shows that you have bothered to take time off to think about what you would to address, as compared to a simple chat.

Get a trusted friend or family member to sit-in. If you’re not comfortable doing the whole one-on-one thing, then maybe your brother, sister or even your best friend can help ease the situation. If your confidante is there, you might feel more open to sharing your true feelings.

REFLECTION:

We all crave love and acceptance, but whether we get love that is pure and in the right amounts is subjected to many factors. Take 10 minutes to reflect if the factor is you and write down three ways in which you want to change this negative factor to positive ones.

[Start of Activity Plan box]

[QUOTE BOX]

“Approval from others was the thing I sought for all my life and it prevented me from reaching my goals. However losing that not only liberated me but allowed me to bless others and pay-it-forward. Don’t wait for permission or the approval from others. Give it to yourself. You deserve it!”

— Jacyln

[Note to parents]

Dear Parents,

As young kids, our world was pure and simple. There was no need to be insincere or anything other than ourselves, and the notion of a “white lie” didn’t yet exist in our psyches. But as time progressed, we may have felt the need to project a different image from who we really are — mainly because we’re insecure about letting our true selves show. As such, we may wind up being insincere, sending out negative vibes that repel, rather than attract, people around us.

Being sincere is being real, inside and out. Sometimes, grown-ups unwittingly encourage us to hide our true selves by concealing our feelings. Case in point: We may be anxious about running for president of the student council. But instead of allowing us to express our feelings of stress and fear, you may tell us to, “chin up”, and not let others see our weaknesses. Your advice may have be dispensed in good spirit, but sometimes we may learn more from being able to talk about our emotions and weaknesses, rather than always having to put up a brave front.

Your daughters also look up to you, pick up your habits and take cues from your behaviour. If you’re prone to making sarcastic comments, for example, your child may be used to such a caustic attitude rather than heartfelt gestures. As Asians, especially as an Asian parent, it may also seem contradictory to your position of authority to admit your mistakes. Start by allowing your children hear you say “sorry” when you’re late for an appointment. Over time, we’ll realise that being true to others, and to ourselves, is key to sending out good vibes wherever we may be.

Love,

Jacyln

[QUOTE BOX]

“Looking for love in all the wrong places Looking for love in too many faces Searching your eyes, looking for traces Of what…I'm dreaming of...”

— Waylon Jennings, Lookin’ For Love

The All-important Underwear

Chapter 3

The All-important Underwear

Dear chicks,

We all come into the world the same:

Naked

Clueless

& Super-Unstylish

Yet some of us have the ability to achieve wealth, popularity, attention from the cutest guys and a seemingly effortless sense of style, while others end up anonymous and forgettable.

Before you figure, that’s easy, some girls just have all the luck: Think again. It’s an even playing field when we all come into being, but the difference — with a capital “D” — is purpose. Purpose, to me, is the foundation for your every action and choice. Which is why I compare it to a very modest, yet crucial, aspect of your outfit — underwear.

Okay, maybe the thought of lacy lingerie, push-up bras and everyday knickers appear the antithesis of something as lofty as your life purpose. But hear me out. One of the most common wardrobe malfunctions on the red carpet involves, you’ve guessed it, lingerie. A star could be clad in delicate designer couture, but because she’s worn a white bra and panties under that sheer gown, she is only remembered for one thing — wearing the wrong undies! All because her white intimates have completely shown through her see-through dress once the paparazzi’s flashbulbs go off. It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing the most beautiful outfit, if the foundation of your get-up — your underwear — is not suited for you.

Those girls we always wished we were didn’t just randomly become popular, smart and successful overnight. It’s simply because they have focus, in other words, the undies that offer the best building blocks for their overall ensemble.

In this chapter, you’ll grasp that knowing your purpose will help guide the choices, activities and the time you devote to each pursuit — to achieve your personal mission. And as powerless as you may feel when the going sometimes gets tough, remember that you have a choice – including the choice to take each sassy platform-heeled step to becoming that fabulous chick everyone looks up to.

Xoxo,

Jacyln

[Quote on a Post-it]

“If your wearing lingerie that makes you feel glamorous, you're halfway there to turning heads.” — Elle Macpherso

Foundation studies

Purpose. Oooooooooooooh... Big word. But do we know what it really means? In this hopefully-fun-to-read book you now hold in your hands, we like to think of “purpose” as that special something you are meant to do — the reason for your existence. Goals and objectives are your everyday kind of directions, but a purpose is above these things. It’s your end-all, be-all kind of main goal. And when you figure it out, your life will have so much more meaning than it already is.

Quick straw poll: How many of us have experienced that “what-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-do” feeling more than once? The sad thing is that lots of folks – including many grown-ups whom you think should know better – go through life without finding out what it is we’re supposed to do. Instead, we potter around aimlessly, often pursuing what seems “right”, “cool” or “on-trend”without slowing down to reflect. The result? Feeling completely lost and directionless.

You may sometimes wander into the lingerie department of a store and think, why are there hundreds of underwear styles and designs? Sure, bikini-cut, cotton panties are comfortable, and you could very well go through life in that same style of knickers. But it may create unsightly bunching when worn under a stretchy jersey skirt, or doesn’t do anything to hide love handles and lumpy thighs. A thong or high-cut support pants, on the other hand, makes you look so much sleeker and groomed — because they were the right foundations for your outfit.

Like how the importance of wearing the right underwear is seldom visible to the untrained eye, sometimes you may not understand why you feel disappointed or unfocused in life. It’s all because you’re not in sync with your purpose — like how you haven’t discovered the perfect pair of shape-enhancing undies — and you’ll tend to make a host of disparate choices that don’t lead to results you truly seek.

Yes, you can carry on without a purpose, but if you don’t understand what it is that you’re meant to do with your life, then you’ll be cutting yourself ridiculously short. It’s like showing up to a costume party without a costume: You can still have fun, but you’ll always feel out of place and maybe even a little inappropriate. So don’t be your own party pooper and begin your journey to becoming a purposeful chick!

[Reflection box]

Have a think:

To get started on the path to discovering your purpose, toss your mobile phone into the drawer, turn off the TV and find a safe, quiet spot to reflect on the following questions:

1. What things in life make you happy?

2. Who is your role model and why do you look up to her/him?

3. When you dream about your future, what do you see?

4. What do you excel at doing?

5. What activities make you feel fulfilled?

Allow yourself to brainstorm answers to the above questions freely and without embarrassment and judgment — it’s essential that you are honest with yourself! Then, print the questions and answers neatly on a sheet of nice stationery and tack it the piece of paper to your mirror, so you’re reminded of finding your purpose when you see yourself every day.

[a different typeface that is attention-grabbing]

The chick challenge:

Why prevent yourself from being the best you that you can be, and having a blast while you’re at it? Now that’s something to think about...

[end of reflection box]

[Start of box or a “thought bubble”]

Designer with a purpose

“I always wanted to do something you could take home at the end of the day. My happiest memories at school are of art. This is just an extension of that. I mean, I love the idea of turning an idea into something women wear.” — Phoebe Philo, fashion designer

[End of box or a “thought bubble”]

[Pull-out quote, in the form of a Post-It]

“Wildly successful people understand their purpose — they have focus.”

“When you’re not in sync with your purpose, you’ll feel disappointed, unhappy and unfocused.”

Finding your purpose

Having completed the reflection exercise above, you have taken the first step to discovering your purpose. But the journey may not be easy, mainly because our lives are packed full of errands, tasks and activities that sometimes, it’s almost impossible to remember to focus on anything other than the task at hand! Girls may be natural born multi-taskers, but that doesn’t make us superwomen.

Sometimes, you need to strip down to your underwear — which nobody but you would be able to see. Because it’s what you wear under your uniforms and outfits, underwear is seen by you and you alone — it’s the most personal you could get when it comes to clothing.

Hence, stripping down to the bare minimum represents setting aside private, one-to-one time with the most important person in your life — you! And time alone is essential to figuring out your purpose. On the surface, it feels that spending town on our own would been taking time off from developing relationships and pursuing our other goals. But solitude allows us to recharge, rediscover, refresh and reflect.

Being alone allows us to step back from the overwhelming world we live in. Once you get over the fear of being alone, and facing yourself stripped bare, you’ll find it absolutely delightful spending a day doing “Me” things, because knowing who you are is the critical to finding, and sticking to, your purpose.

Chick challenge:

It’s all to easy to fill your schedule with social activities — there are just so many movie dates, trips to the beach and co-curricular commitments! So make it a point to mark off “alone time” in your calendar, dates with yourself that you’ve got to keep. How about a date to just chill in your room with that new album you've been dying to check out, but nobody seems to care about, and scribbling in your journal? Or check out that cool new art show, which your friends think is beyond geeky, but you want to catch? The possibilities are endless, so enjoy your time with you, yourself, and I!

[quote on a post-it]

“I decided instead of running away from the idea of a life alone...

...I'd better sit down and take that fear to lunch.

So, I sat there and had a glass of wine...alone.

No books, no man, no friends, no armour, no faking.”

— Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Jac: Is this still supposed to be in this chapter or Clothes Maketh chapter?

The brassiere for you

“We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us, how we take it, what we do with it — and that is what really counts in the end.”

— Joseph Fort Newton, author and minister

Just like how you can decide between a push-up bra or sports bra to feel either womanly or in control, everything else you do adds up to the person you are today: From the school you choose, the hours you spend on the phone versus the time devoted to hitting the books, to the friends you surround yourself with. Damn, that sounds like a whole lot of pressure! But it also means that reaching your goals — from tracking down the perfect ensemble for a day out with the girlfriends to snagging a spot in your college of choice — is within your control And that’s why we’re here: To demonstrate how different pieces of “clothing” can be very helpful in achieving your their purpose and goals faster. But it is still your choice to decide which pieces of clothing you want to wear.

Because sometimes, being brave means making difficult – yet significant – choices. The poet Robert Frost once wrote, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — / I took the one less traveled by, / And that has made all the difference.” There are times in your life when you find yourself faced with two opposing options — one may be a safe choice like that little black dress everyone wears, and the other is a whole lot less popular, such as a floor-sweeping maxi frock. But at times the less obvious, and way riskier, option may take you down another path in life altogether – and perhaps even help achieve your purpose.

But, like leaving the house with a Visible Panty Line or wearing a too-tight bra that causes fatty back rolls, it’s okay to make the wrong choices once in a while. The trick is, learn from life’s many slip-ups and forgive yourself. Like if you’ve cheated once on a math test, that doesn’t necessarily make you a cheater forever; or if you trusted the wrong friend once and she betrayed your friendship, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to meeting cretins for the rest of your life.

Don’t be so hard on yourself and bear in mind this one point: Mistakes in your life — unlike style mistakes that keep coming back into fashion! — do not necessarily have to repeat themselves, if you don’t allow them to. Our past definitely contributes to who we are and we can’t and shouldn’t run away from that. But what we can do to shape our future to what we hope it to be is to start making the right choices. So if you don’t like yourself now...

There

Is

Hope

If you’re not number one fan of who you are today, it doesn't mean you don't need to like how you will be in the future. Everyone can choose to be different and it starts with the right choices. One huge step to becoming a mature, purpose-driven woman is to admit your wrongs, and letting them go.

[same font as the chick challenge earlier in this chapter]

The chick challenge:

1. List down your personality blemishes or negative viewpoints you feel are holding you back from achieving your purpose. You can also ask a close and trusted friend, or even mum or sis, if they could constructively help you identify these pitfalls.

Are you too hard on yourself, or perhaps too slack to push yourself that much more because you’re afraid of failure, for example?

2. Accept that it sucks to fall or fail. And analyse your feelings to figure out how these fears and failures came about.

3. Free yourself of the past and look towards the future, using the reflections you made earlier on in this chapter on discovering your purpose as a starting point.

[Start of action plan box]

Get in focus!

Make a list of all the activities you do in a week and calculate the time you spend on each activity. Separate the activities into “needs” and ”wants”. Needs includes all your basics: Sleeping, eating, going to and from school, taking a bath, etc. Wants are all those things you don’t necessarily have to do, like learning a hobby such as dressmaking or catching the latest movie.

INSERT Activity

Now, look over your wants and see which activities are in line with your purpose. For example, watching TV and surfing the Internet aren’t exactly going to help you fulfill your purpose of, say, helping save the environment.

It’s okay to relax sometimes — we all need to veg once in a while. But you may notice that you’re wasting way too much time on things that aren’t helping you get closer to what you want to do and where you want to be. The question now is: What are you going to do about it?

Dear parents,

Some days, when we’re spending hours gossiping on the phone with our girlfriends or days engrossed in watching our favourite TV show that’s just came out on DVD, it appears that we’re completely aimless — and will lack focus for a long time to come. But that doesn’t have to be the case. Everybody, even a child who appears lost and directionless, has a passion. And your daughter needs you to lead her on a path towards achieving her purpose.

First, she needs your encouragement to discover her real purpose. Perhaps she showed some interest in painting after attending an exhibition. It doesn’t automatically mean she will be an idealistic artist who will be perennially holed up in a studio — although that may not be a bad thing considering today’s booming Asian art market. That artistic eye may translate into your child being a creative director of an ad agency or the owner of a gallery one day.

Next, you need to cultivate in us a positive attitude. The world’s most successful people may have been perfectly ordinary kids, but with a nudge in the right direction, they had the opportunity to reach their potential. Positive people also naturally send out positive vibes, which will in turn draw the right company to your daughter’s social circle. Remind your child to look on the bright side and frequently fuel her passions by being supportive. Our pursuits may not always be academically-oriented, but instill in us the importance of finding fulfilment in life, instead of simply chasing after quantifiable results. Finding meaning in our pursuits will ultimately help us become happy, purposeful women. Now who wouldn’t want that for their ki

Love,

Jacyln

The All-important Underwear

Chapter 3

The All-important Underwear

Dear chicks,

We all come into the world the same:

Naked

Clueless

& Super-Unstylish

Yet some of us have the ability to achieve wealth, popularity, attention from the cutest guys and a seemingly effortless sense of style, while others end up anonymous and forgettable.

Before you figure, that’s easy, some girls just have all the luck: Think again. It’s an even playing field when we all come into being, but the difference — with a capital “D” — is purpose. Purpose, to me, is the foundation for your every action and choice. Which is why I compare it to a very modest, yet crucial, aspect of your outfit — underwear.

Okay, maybe the thought of lacy lingerie, push-up bras and everyday knickers appear the antithesis of something as lofty as your life purpose. But hear me out. One of the most common wardrobe malfunctions on the red carpet involves, you’ve guessed it, lingerie. A star could be clad in delicate designer couture, but because she’s worn a white bra and panties under that sheer gown, she is only remembered for one thing — wearing the wrong undies! All because her white intimates have completely shown through her see-through dress once the paparazzi’s flashbulbs go off. It doesn’t matter if you’re wearing the most beautiful outfit, if the foundation of your get-up — your underwear — is not suited for you.

Those girls we always wished we were didn’t just randomly become popular, smart and successful overnight. It’s simply because they have focus, in other words, the undies that offer the best building blocks for their overall ensemble.

In this chapter, you’ll grasp that knowing your purpose will help guide the choices, activities and the time you devote to each pursuit — to achieve your personal mission. And as powerless as you may feel when the going sometimes gets tough, remember that you have a choice – including the choice to take each sassy platform-heeled step to becoming that fabulous chick everyone looks up to.

Xoxo,

Jacyln

[Quote on a Post-it]

“If your wearing lingerie that makes you feel glamorous, you're halfway there to turning heads.” — Elle Macpherso

Foundation studies

Purpose. Oooooooooooooh... Big word. But do we know what it really means? In this hopefully-fun-to-read book you now hold in your hands, we like to think of “purpose” as that special something you are meant to do — the reason for your existence. Goals and objectives are your everyday kind of directions, but a purpose is above these things. It’s your end-all, be-all kind of main goal. And when you figure it out, your life will have so much more meaning than it already is.

Quick straw poll: How many of us have experienced that “what-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-do” feeling more than once? The sad thing is that lots of folks – including many grown-ups whom you think should know better – go through life without finding out what it is we’re supposed to do. Instead, we potter around aimlessly, often pursuing what seems “right”, “cool” or “on-trend”without slowing down to reflect. The result? Feeling completely lost and directionless.

You may sometimes wander into the lingerie department of a store and think, why are there hundreds of underwear styles and designs? Sure, bikini-cut, cotton panties are comfortable, and you could very well go through life in that same style of knickers. But it may create unsightly bunching when worn under a stretchy jersey skirt, or doesn’t do anything to hide love handles and lumpy thighs. A thong or high-cut support pants, on the other hand, makes you look so much sleeker and groomed — because they were the right foundations for your outfit.

Like how the importance of wearing the right underwear is seldom visible to the untrained eye, sometimes you may not understand why you feel disappointed or unfocused in life. It’s all because you’re not in sync with your purpose — like how you haven’t discovered the perfect pair of shape-enhancing undies — and you’ll tend to make a host of disparate choices that don’t lead to results you truly seek.

Yes, you can carry on without a purpose, but if you don’t understand what it is that you’re meant to do with your life, then you’ll be cutting yourself ridiculously short. It’s like showing up to a costume party without a costume: You can still have fun, but you’ll always feel out of place and maybe even a little inappropriate. So don’t be your own party pooper and begin your journey to becoming a purposeful chick!

[Reflection box]

Have a think:

To get started on the path to discovering your purpose, toss your mobile phone into the drawer, turn off the TV and find a safe, quiet spot to reflect on the following questions:

1. What things in life make you happy?

2. Who is your role model and why do you look up to her/him?

3. When you dream about your future, what do you see?

4. What do you excel at doing?

5. What activities make you feel fulfilled?

Allow yourself to brainstorm answers to the above questions freely and without embarrassment and judgment — it’s essential that you are honest with yourself! Then, print the questions and answers neatly on a sheet of nice stationery and tack it the piece of paper to your mirror, so you’re reminded of finding your purpose when you see yourself every day.

[a different typeface that is attention-grabbing]

The chick challenge:

Why prevent yourself from being the best you that you can be, and having a blast while you’re at it? Now that’s something to think about...

[end of reflection box]

[Start of box or a “thought bubble”]

Designer with a purpose

“I always wanted to do something you could take home at the end of the day. My happiest memories at school are of art. This is just an extension of that. I mean, I love the idea of turning an idea into something women wear.” — Phoebe Philo, fashion designer

[End of box or a “thought bubble”]

[Pull-out quote, in the form of a Post-It]

“Wildly successful people understand their purpose — they have focus.”

“When you’re not in sync with your purpose, you’ll feel disappointed, unhappy and unfocused.”

Finding your purpose

Having completed the reflection exercise above, you have taken the first step to discovering your purpose. But the journey may not be easy, mainly because our lives are packed full of errands, tasks and activities that sometimes, it’s almost impossible to remember to focus on anything other than the task at hand! Girls may be natural born multi-taskers, but that doesn’t make us superwomen.

Sometimes, you need to strip down to your underwear — which nobody but you would be able to see. Because it’s what you wear under your uniforms and outfits, underwear is seen by you and you alone — it’s the most personal you could get when it comes to clothing.

Hence, stripping down to the bare minimum represents setting aside private, one-to-one time with the most important person in your life — you! And time alone is essential to figuring out your purpose. On the surface, it feels that spending town on our own would been taking time off from developing relationships and pursuing our other goals. But solitude allows us to recharge, rediscover, refresh and reflect.

Being alone allows us to step back from the overwhelming world we live in. Once you get over the fear of being alone, and facing yourself stripped bare, you’ll find it absolutely delightful spending a day doing “Me” things, because knowing who you are is the critical to finding, and sticking to, your purpose.

Chick challenge:

It’s all to easy to fill your schedule with social activities — there are just so many movie dates, trips to the beach and co-curricular commitments! So make it a point to mark off “alone time” in your calendar, dates with yourself that you’ve got to keep. How about a date to just chill in your room with that new album you've been dying to check out, but nobody seems to care about, and scribbling in your journal? Or check out that cool new art show, which your friends think is beyond geeky, but you want to catch? The possibilities are endless, so enjoy your time with you, yourself, and I!

[quote on a post-it]

“I decided instead of running away from the idea of a life alone...

...I'd better sit down and take that fear to lunch.

So, I sat there and had a glass of wine...alone.

No books, no man, no friends, no armour, no faking.”

— Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Jac: Is this still supposed to be in this chapter or Clothes Maketh chapter?

The brassiere for you

“We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us, how we take it, what we do with it — and that is what really counts in the end.”

— Joseph Fort Newton, author and minister

Just like how you can decide between a push-up bra or sports bra to feel either womanly or in control, everything else you do adds up to the person you are today: From the school you choose, the hours you spend on the phone versus the time devoted to hitting the books, to the friends you surround yourself with. Damn, that sounds like a whole lot of pressure! But it also means that reaching your goals — from tracking down the perfect ensemble for a day out with the girlfriends to snagging a spot in your college of choice — is within your control And that’s why we’re here: To demonstrate how different pieces of “clothing” can be very helpful in achieving your their purpose and goals faster. But it is still your choice to decide which pieces of clothing you want to wear.

Because sometimes, being brave means making difficult – yet significant – choices. The poet Robert Frost once wrote, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — / I took the one less traveled by, / And that has made all the difference.” There are times in your life when you find yourself faced with two opposing options — one may be a safe choice like that little black dress everyone wears, and the other is a whole lot less popular, such as a floor-sweeping maxi frock. But at times the less obvious, and way riskier, option may take you down another path in life altogether – and perhaps even help achieve your purpose.

But, like leaving the house with a Visible Panty Line or wearing a too-tight bra that causes fatty back rolls, it’s okay to make the wrong choices once in a while. The trick is, learn from life’s many slip-ups and forgive yourself. Like if you’ve cheated once on a math test, that doesn’t necessarily make you a cheater forever; or if you trusted the wrong friend once and she betrayed your friendship, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to meeting cretins for the rest of your life.

Don’t be so hard on yourself and bear in mind this one point: Mistakes in your life — unlike style mistakes that keep coming back into fashion! — do not necessarily have to repeat themselves, if you don’t allow them to. Our past definitely contributes to who we are and we can’t and shouldn’t run away from that. But what we can do to shape our future to what we hope it to be is to start making the right choices. So if you don’t like yourself now...

There

Is

Hope

If you’re not number one fan of who you are today, it doesn't mean you don't need to like how you will be in the future. Everyone can choose to be different and it starts with the right choices. One huge step to becoming a mature, purpose-driven woman is to admit your wrongs, and letting them go.

[same font as the chick challenge earlier in this chapter]

The chick challenge:

1. List down your personality blemishes or negative viewpoints you feel are holding you back from achieving your purpose. You can also ask a close and trusted friend, or even mum or sis, if they could constructively help you identify these pitfalls.

Are you too hard on yourself, or perhaps too slack to push yourself that much more because you’re afraid of failure, for example?

2. Accept that it sucks to fall or fail. And analyse your feelings to figure out how these fears and failures came about.

3. Free yourself of the past and look towards the future, using the reflections you made earlier on in this chapter on discovering your purpose as a starting point.

[Start of action plan box]

Get in focus!

Make a list of all the activities you do in a week and calculate the time you spend on each activity. Separate the activities into “needs” and ”wants”. Needs includes all your basics: Sleeping, eating, going to and from school, taking a bath, etc. Wants are all those things you don’t necessarily have to do, like learning a hobby such as dressmaking or catching the latest movie.

INSERT Activity

Now, look over your wants and see which activities are in line with your purpose. For example, watching TV and surfing the Internet aren’t exactly going to help you fulfill your purpose of, say, helping save the environment.

It’s okay to relax sometimes — we all need to veg once in a while. But you may notice that you’re wasting way too much time on things that aren’t helping you get closer to what you want to do and where you want to be. The question now is: What are you going to do about it?

Dear parents,

Some days, when we’re spending hours gossiping on the phone with our girlfriends or days engrossed in watching our favourite TV show that’s just came out on DVD, it appears that we’re completely aimless — and will lack focus for a long time to come. But that doesn’t have to be the case. Everybody, even a child who appears lost and directionless, has a passion. And your daughter needs you to lead her on a path towards achieving her purpose.

First, she needs your encouragement to discover her real purpose. Perhaps she showed some interest in painting after attending an exhibition. It doesn’t automatically mean she will be an idealistic artist who will be perennially holed up in a studio — although that may not be a bad thing considering today’s booming Asian art market. That artistic eye may translate into your child being a creative director of an ad agency or the owner of a gallery one day.

Next, you need to cultivate in us a positive attitude. The world’s most successful people may have been perfectly ordinary kids, but with a nudge in the right direction, they had the opportunity to reach their potential. Positive people also naturally send out positive vibes, which will in turn draw the right company to your daughter’s social circle. Remind your child to look on the bright side and frequently fuel her passions by being supportive. Our pursuits may not always be academically-oriented, but instill in us the importance of finding fulfilment in life, instead of simply chasing after quantifiable results. Finding meaning in our pursuits will ultimately help us become happy, purposeful women. Now who wouldn’t want that for their ki

Love,

Jacyln

Fashion Don’ts!

Chapter 2

Fashion Don’ts!

Dear chicks,

We all have days when we feel insecure — even lingerie supermodels have their share of “fat days”, as implausible as it sounds. It’s normal to not always feel like a million bucks, but it’s also all too easy to sink into a hole of insecurity — and begin a vicious cycle of make-believe.

What’s this scary cycle we’re talking about? It’s when people choose to hide their lack of confidence behind a negative self-image. It sounds plain loopy to deliberately look bad. But on a subconscious level, they are ashamed of who they really are, thinking they are way too boring and plain for people to like them. So, they camouflage themselves in clothes that are major turn-offs. And those tactics work: Because who’s going to want to know you when you’re a) insincere and b) projecting such bad self-image? Soon, because of that camouflage, they will be friendless — which is yet another reason to feel utterly insecure.

I’m sure we have all met at least one or two people in our lives who were a little too obsessed with owning that bag and that car, having those friends, coming from that school and living in that neighborhood…when actually, they were average people with an average home and average income (not that there is anything wrong with being average!)

Think of girls who can’t walk out of the house without being decked out in designer clothing that shout “Look at me! I’m all that!” and cast attention to their material possessions instead of the person wearing the clothing. Or think of girls who are perennially togged in skin-baring clothes so that everyone notices just their sultry demeanour rather than their actual personalities.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are walking fashion disasters who leave the house looking like they forgot to look in the mirror. They create a kind of armour from attention by throwing on unflattering, baggy clothes in the hopes that they’ll look so ordinary that nobody would care to notice them.

The truth is, these girls are most probably insecure and just trying to seek acceptance in their own ways, not knowing that their attempts to impress or hide are actually counter-productive. But instead of pointing fingers, we have to realise that we too may fall into that kind of behaviour at different times of our lives. We may put on a way-too-mini-dress when we are feeling low and desperate for attention — not caring if it’s lust or love that the clothing choice attracts. Or throw on a three-sizes-too-big pullover when we want to feel virtually invisible to everyone around us. And we are most susceptible to dressing badly because of a poor self-image when we don’t know who we really are, and are too scared to find out.

I think it helps to recognise if and when we ever wear one of those hideous looks, and then catch ourselves in time to change out into better, more flattering outfits. We’re all equally vulnerable to feeling insecure, and we all need to feel accepted and special in our own unique ways. But we all need to make the choice to wear the right clothing, feel confident about the clothing we show off to the rest of the world, so that we can send out positive messages about ourselves.

Before I delve into the various fashion components that make up your prefect ensemble, this chapter will help you ditch those nasty fashion don’ts so you’ll never fall into that trap of hiding behind your clothes! It’s time to get real.

Love,

Jacy

“Around three years ago, everything began to change. The nature of what, or who, is a celebrity has expanded. We aren't saving lives here, but we are creating images, and images create opportunities in a lot of areas.”

— Rachel Zoe, celebrity stylist

[Start of activity plan box]

Judging Panel

People can be quick to judge, but it doesn’t mean you have to fall into that same trap. We may not have enough time to become BFFs with everyone we meet, but we need to avoid labelling new acquaintances on a whim — you never know if that person is just having a bad day or (and we’ve all been there) grumpy because she’s got a serious case of PMS. Cut them some slack and try to give everyone a second or third chance — because you’d like that same treatment too, wouldn’t you?

Ask yourself:

1. Am I judgmental?

2. Do I make snap judgments?

3. When I see a person for the first time and he or she is inappropriately dressed or in a bad mood, do I immediately decide that he or she is an awful person?

4. Am I critical of other people?

If the answers to the above questions are mainly “yes”, don’t worry too much, — it’s normal! But don’t take the norm as a standard to live by. We need to strive to be less critical of others and give people grace.

So if you’ve said “yes” to any of the above questions, start by rating how judgmental you think you are now, and how you’d want to be rated in a month’s time:

PRESENT: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

1 MONTH: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

6 MONTHS: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Now, list down how three ways to becoming a more understanding chick:

For example: Not everyone shares the same tastes and opinions, so I’ll try to be more open-minded

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

[End of activity plan box]

More flash than dash

I was one of those girls whose behavior was reflected by “flashy outfits”. I used to be a very insecure teenager growing up, because I set really high expectations for myself, and never accepted myself who I was. So in an attempt to fill that void of love and acceptance in my life, I choose to flaunt my achievements, the places

I had travelled to, the people I knew and the people my parents were friends with.

Why? Well, I was hoping to distract people with my adornments of “glamour” and “connections”, hoping that they would one day accept the shattered and imperfect Jacyln behind the more flamboyant façade I was trying to portray.

Don’t get me wrong — owning these designer togs and being an achiever in all that you do is all good, but we need to ensure that we aren’t basing our attractiveness or self-worth on life’s labels — be it fashion, credentials or achievements. We need to ensure that if we were to lose all these titles and labels that people will still love us for who we are inside. Is our personality attractive? Do people talk highly of as a person instead of our labels? How would we be described in our eulogies — great individuals whom others loved to be around, or selfish moguls who built an empire of wealth?

Remember that labels and titles act as a differentiating asset to our lives. They help us gain respect and “friends” but they should not define who we are. Just think about this, would you rather be known as the “Chanel girl” or the friendly sweetheart who happens to own a Chanel bag? These two associations sound similar, but they are as different as Louboutins and rambutans. The first girl is remembered for her titles but the second is known for her attractive personality with an accent of class from the designer bag.

I was scared no one will like me for who I was, so I tried to brag on who I knew and what I had accomplished hoping that they would give me enough leverage to continue the conversation with respect, but I soon realised that it was so superficial and uncomfortable trying to be someone who you aren’t. Not only was I not confident of myself, but my false façade ultimately became less opaque and people sensed my insecurity. This ultimately drove others away, instead of attracting them. My goal to attract with my life’s labels failed because I didn’t fix the problem of the person wearing these achievements from the start.

So if you find yourself trying to show off your “flashy look” with your achievements and connections, remember that we first need to get the person who is wearing these clothing in check first.

The skinny on showing skin

There are times when we feel we need to use our feminine assets to gain attention instead of banking on our actual traits and sunny personalities. Skanky outfits are often donned when we so desperately yearn for attention that we don’t care what form it takes. These are the times when girls wear close to nothing hoping to draw eyeballs of men to their bodies in hope that they would be ultimately loved and taken care of.

We all know girls like this and may have fallen into this type of lust/love attention- grabbing neediness. Just think about the time when you are your friends just went through a bad breakup, are hurting inside and decide to go on the prowl to distract yourselves from the pain. You may spend hours prepping your hair, nails, makeup and most importantly picking a barely-there outfit that’s guaranteed lots of attention. And that’s with the killer attire? Easy, it’s calculated such that, boys…sorry I mean men would be drawn to you.

However, we all know that if we dress like this, the type of men whom we will attract would be the skanky sorts as well. It’s just like the law of attraction, with skimpy clothes you showcase the desire to be loved for your body instead of who you really are, and insecurity will be written all over you. Hence, this look will attract the wrong kind of men into your lives, leading to a sketchy a new relationship based on superficial desire rather than respect and love. The result: Probably yet another toxic relationship that defeats the purpose of your initial hunt — which was to find someone to love you and soothe the heartbreak. Searching for love in all the wrong places, with all the wrong means, is taking the road to disaster.

That said, it’s okay to wear a sexy top every now and then. But there’s a difference between being confident and attractive and downright trashy. Think of two celebs in a magazine wearing the same figure-flaunting dress: One was poised and elegant, pairing it with a classy up-do and understated jewellery; while the other looked visibly intoxicated and unsure of herself, tottering on her too-high heels. Who wore it better?

So remember the next time you reach for a sexy top, know that it can make you look skanky if you’re not confident in your own skin. The clothes and how we wear the clothes give a peek into what we are really feeling inside so make sure that you fix the problem under the clothes before leaving the house.

Excess baggage

“I call this the worm mentality because it’s an unhappy cycle. Girls who think like this feel ugly and worry that attracting more attention will in turn attract criticism.

So, they don’t wear skimpy or flashy clothes; and they don’t go looking for love.

In short, they don’t feel like they deserve anything better; and because they cannot take pride in themselves, they assume that this is what they are going to be forever. The irony is that the baggy clothing does attract attention — negative attention actually — because they are so ill-fitting.”

— Jade Fulleylove, model and fellow chick

Growing up, my family members showed their love by showering me with words of affirmation and hugs, but for some reason I struggled to convince myself that I was good enough. In track and field, I would work my butt off, but there was always someone faster than me. In school, no matter how hard I studied, there was always someone who did better than I did.

When you feel miserable because you think you’re just not good enough, lost and feel like crawling under a rock, that’s when you reach for an extra baggy top to hide your body and other hang-ups, in the hopes that you’ll blend into the wall and be left alone to wallow in your self-misery.

Unfortunately, your unappealing ensemble will simply get you — and all your insecurities and misery — noticed by those around you, thereby attracting even more negativity and unhappiness.

The love game

Another reason for avoiding a well-fitted outfit — why you’re on a mission to self- sabotage any gift of love — could be because you experienced a lot of love-less situations in your life, which have formed your comfort zone. This may be an extreme example: But it’s like how women who were abused as kids, tend to marry guys who abuse them because being treated badly is their comfort zone. Even when what is familiar to you is, logically, not right for you, you may to be drawn to that particularly kind of negativity mostly because it’s what you’re used to. The key would be to first recognise what you’re doing and then do something about it. You can’t move forward if you don’t deal with what you’re doing to yourself.

Maybe you didn’t come from a picture-perfect two-parent family, maybe you’ve been in unhealthy and abusive relationships, maybe you’ve had toxic friendships… the possibilities are endless. Just because you’ve been burnt by love doesn’t mean that you’re not worthy of love.

You are

Precious

And you deserve to be loved as much as anyone else — even if you don't believe it now.

We all come in unique shapes and sizes and have different strengths and callings in life. Yes you may suck at some things, but I’m sure you must be awesome at doing a lot of other things.

So it’s clear that these fashion don’ts have got to go. We need to accept ourselves for who we are and be confident about the naked us. It’s the only way to exude confidence. Toss out these fashion faux pas, start on a clean slate and get ready to package yourself for true success in the following chapters!

Dear parents,

I'm pretty sure we have all met people who love to talk about how they great they are. They love to sell themselves as fab people whom you would be lucky to be friends with, by strategically name-dropping in the hopes of making themselves appear more connected and hence more attractive. They tell stories that only put them in a good light, and never divulge stories that expose their weaknesses...and deck themselves out in OTT, status symbol clothing and accessories.

Deep inside, girls who brag or dress in flashy clothes probably have a major insecurity issue and just want to be able accepted. They think they attract more friends and love with their superficial labels and achievements. Conversely, if there are times your child appears to disregard her attire altogether, clad in unbecoming, oversized clothing. She may have low self-confidence and uses her attire to hide her insecurities.

And why do girls subject themselves to such sartorial faux pas? Well, I believe it is because they never were told they were good enough while growing up. Their parents probably pushed them very hard, critiquing them in the hopes that such Asian “encouragement” would spur their child to success, rather than drive them to complacency with praise.

If you don’t help your child feel loved, she’ll adopt this love-lessness as her identity because she thinks she’s not worthy to be loved. Worse, she may try to seek love from outsiders, sometimes from undesirable folks who could take advantage of her youth and eagerness to please.

I have a friend, whose mum always picked her up after school, dropped her off to meet us in Orchard Road, prepared her vitamins, and cut out interesting newspaper articles to leave on her desk. Her mum expressed love in acts of service. Even though I thought her mum was super-sweet, my friend was always irritated and felt like she was being treated like a child.

Her relationship with her dad, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. He encouraged her through her tennis games, her horrible physics tests, and when she was appointed a Peer Leader. He always had words of affirmation for her, and I could see that she relied on him a lot as a source of strength and comfort. I could see why she derived so much love from him cause my primary love language is also words of affirmation.

Like how a different outfits works great on various people, different folks also express love into a range of ways, according to a cool read called The Five Love

Languages by Gary Chapman:

• Gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch
• Words of affirmation
• Quality time

Out of these five ways, some will speak to our hearts louder than others, and some won’t even register on our hearts’ radars.

This taught me that there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all way to love and be loved. So don’t write off your daughter if she doesn’t seem to appreciate your good intentions. Does she, for example, like to buy gifts for her friends and loved ones? That’s an indication that her love language is “gifts”, and she feels most loved when people gives her presents. You just need to figure out which of the five love languages applies best to your child.

When we shy away from receiving love, we end up wearing our insecurities on our sleeves — the same way we project our low self-esteem by wearing baggy clothes. Such acts, in turn, push people away from us.

We need you to take some time to love us and make us feel special. Otherwise, tomorrow will be another repeat of today’s lousy perception of life and it will be very hard for us to break out of this vicious cycle of insecurity.

And that’s the purpose of my letter to you: Chicks need love and we need you to be provider of pure, parental love. Otherwise we’ll seek it from other, sometimes unseemly sources.

Do try to be patient as we deal with raging hormones and display bouts of rebellion, because the need for love is the foundation to our ability to survive and succeed. More now than ever, we need you to lend a listening ear and switch from being the authoritative parent to one that listens and wants to be our friend. Where else can we get love that is free from obligations and ulterior motives?

Do reevaluate if the amount of love you are showing to your child is enough, and if you’ve been communicating with your daughter so she has the support she needs.

Parents, we need that support and love in order to really succeed in life and we need you to love us with the best of your capabilities. Love us and teach us that we are special so that we can accept your love, accept ourselves and harness the love we have so that we can positive give it to others.

Love,

Jacy