tops and love

TOPS

A soldier, who had lost his home and family, made a pact with the devil.

In exchange for wealth, he had to don an ugly cloak, stay unkempt for seven years and yet not explain his appearance to anyone.

If he survived the stipulated time frame, he would be free from the pact.

Most of those he helped with the money didn’t take too kindly to him because of how he looked except for one young woman who agreed to marry him to repay her father’s debt. He gave her half a ring as a token and told her to wait for his return.

Her sisters laughed at her, but she stood firm.

The soldier, after being finally free from his pact with the devil, returned as a rich man and fulfilled his promise.

~ Bearskin by the Brothers Grimm ~

Have you ever met someone for the first time and within the first few minutes decided if you liked him or her? I am sure all of us have. Wherever we go and whomever we meet, we form impressions and opinions. This explains why the world can’t help making judgments and being judgmental. Judgment can work for us when people like us or against us when people don’t like us; and we definitely prefer people liking us rather than hating us. What would you like people to think of you? Check the boxes next to the adjectives that apply below:

Capable Cool Generous Intelligent

Caring Courteous Helpful Kind

Cheerful Fun Independent Pretty

Confident Funny Insightful Trustworthy

If you have checked at least one of the above, it means you are a normal human being—one with the basic need for acceptance, connection and love. All of us need to feel like our existence on Earth means something at least to someone. Basically, all human beings need love to survive. Take the example of the soldier, Bearskin, in the fairytale above. He was a good man who helped people with the money the devil gave him, but his dirty appearance drove people away. He actually doubted if he could survive the seven years especially since he did not receive any form of acceptance. If the young woman did not agree to marry him, he would not have found a reason to continue living.

Sometimes, the act of searching for love and attention can backfire. When I was a teenager, I was an overachiever—I attained good grades, excelled in sports, mixed with the popular kids and even flaunted my dad’s connections. It was an attempt to prove my worth. I would hide behind those I knew, the achievements I accomplished and the titles I held just so that I could feel more secure behind my perceived ‘popularity’. I thought that my achievements would allow me to be better accepted by my peers. However, what I didn’t realise was that my lack of security and love for myself was sending out negative vibes to others, causing uneasiness that was not verbally expressed to me.

Some people have dubbed these vibes, positive as well as negative ones, as auras. Our auras or vibes are a lot like the tops we wear. They are one of the most essential pieces of clothing in our wardrobe. They protect us and give us warmth since it’s always a cardigan or sweater that is reached for when it’s cold, not a pair of legwarmers or sweats. They’re also the first thing people notice, and they leave lasting impressions. Just think, would you wear the same top two days in a row? I know I definitely wouldn’t if I had a choice because people remember it all too well. Unlike pants or shoes, tops are pieces of clothing that are the most visible. People notice it whether you’re sitting or standing as it is always in clear view; and when we have photographs taken to document our memories, our tops always get the most limelight.

<INSERT PICTURE OF A FLASHY TOP>

Speaking about getting the limelight, some people crave love, or shall we call it attention, so badly that they wear flashy tops—the kind with designer logos scrawled all over them. These tops are like loud broadcasts, shouting out, ‘Look at me, aren’t I all that”, casting attention on material possessions. Don’t get me wrong, owning these tops are fine, but they should not be the reason behind why we feel attractive or why people show us love and acceptance. They are only a temporary facade borne out of the fear that our naked self would be rejected and ridiculed. What we really need to do is get away from meaningless titles and brands. After all, these labels don’t say much about who we really are; and when they are stripped away, the true worth is in who wears the apparel.

On the other hand, some people crave for acceptance so badly that they settle for any type of love or attention despite knowing that the love isn’t sincere or that it is bad for them.

These are the people with no quality control (QC). It’s a lot like wearing overly revealing tops—the neckline gets a little too low and reveal a little too much. It’s very easy to attract the wrong kind of love and attention with tops like that.

At the other extreme are people who mask their existences in overly baggy tops in an attempt to hide their selves and insecurities from the world. These are the tops that they hope would hide them from any form of ridicule as any little comment can make them crumble. Girls like these tend to be the ones who think they are unworthy of love and acceptance. Perhaps, they haven’t had the chance to feel like they deserve love, or maybe they’ve had a bad experience that shattered their self-confidence. Lack of family love could also have ingrained their psyche into believing that they do not deserve love. However, in their attempt to cover themselves up, the strong uneasy vibes they send out can be picked up by those around them. Subconsciously, these girls are leaving negative impressions on the people they meet.

I call this the worm mentality because it’s an unhappy cycle. Girls who think like this feel ugly and worry that attracting more attention will in turn attract criticism. So, they don’t wear skimpy or flashy tops; and they don’t go looking for love. In short, they don’t feel like they deserve anything better; and because they cannot take pride in themselves, they assume that this is what they are going to be forever. The irony is that the baggy clothing does attract attention—negative attention actually—because they are so ill-fitting.

~ Jade ~

Flashy tops, revealing tops and overly baggy tops don’t look good on us because they reflect negative vibes. We end up wearing them when we don’t feel good about ourselves and need validation from others in terms of love and acceptance. Interestingly, these are the tops that keep others from finding us attractive. The lesson to learn is that we need to keep a check on the vibes we send out as they determine the people we attract and the friends we make.

Positive vibes are the vibes of choice, like choosing a flattering top to bring out the best in us. There are many ways to send out positive vibes: by lending others a listening ear, cracking a joke to lighten up the mood, putting the needs of others first, or giving someone a compliment to make him or her feel better. It’s all about putting a smile on people’s faces and making them feel positive about themselves too.

Making people smile and feel good stems from love. It’s only when we love others that we want them to feel positive too. It’s only when we are able to love that we are love-able (read: loveable) and can send a spark of love to others. People like being around others who send out positive vibes because it makes them feel good. Hanging out with people with positive vibes reflects well on us too. It tells the world that we are loved by people who are loved too, which just makes us even more loveable in the eyes of others.

What we must remember is that love and acceptance is a cycle. When we have love, we feel warm; and when we feel warm, we radiate that warmth to others. Similarly, a person who does not feel loved is cold; and that cold seeps into the entire being where it is projected onto others as well. So, we all need to realise that we deserve to be loved. If ever we feel unworthy, we need to stop denying ourselves the need for love just as we shouldn’t deny ourselves the right to wear a top that looks good.

Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose; and then where are you?”

~ Fanny Brice ~

So, what makes someone attractive or repulsive? It is easy to be attractive when money, status or connections are part of our identity. I’ll admit; I also find myself attracted to people who are well off and connected. However, we must remember that no matter what status, money and connections other people have, it is not all there is to their identity. Status, money and connections fade over time. I’m not saying that these things are wrong to have, but they should not be the primary or only reason why people are attracted to you, or why you are attracted to some people.

“You yourself, as much anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.”

~ Buddha ~

True attractiveness starts from within; when we love ourselves for who we are and not for our titles and accomplishments. We can do this by accepting that we are worthy of being loved. This means falling in love with ourselves everyday—not in a narcissistic way, but rather in being comfortable with and proud of ourselves.

Of course, we need to be realistic and remember that we can’t have everyone like us. There is bound to be people who don’t like us, but we should remember that what they feel is just an opinion; and one opinion (or a few opinions) does not completely define us.

Being able to accept rejection takes a lot of confidence.It’s like being able to dance without worrying who is watching, and being able to laugh at ourselves when we bust a move. This sort of confidence is very attractive because it shows we are happy with ourselves no matter what happens—and that’s releasing many positive vibes!

Aside from loving ourselves, we’ve also got to think about love in relation to others. We need to allow others to love us too. The first step in doing this involves understanding our love language. This is something introduced by Dr Gary Chapman, who identified five love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch—as key acts of expressing our love.

Everyone has a primary love language—a preferred way to give and receive love. In order to figure this out, we need to ask ourselves how we usually express love to others and how we usually like to receive love from others.

The same applies to finding out other people’s love language. Look at how they express their love to others and what makes their faces light up. The next time we want to show them our love, we need to speak their love language so they hear our love for them loud and clear. Likewise, the next time they show us love in their primary love language, we hear (and feel) their love more clearly because we know they are speaking their love language and we can identify it in their intentions.

That’s not to say that the primary love language is the only one we speak. All of us can speak the other love languages too, but our order of preference might be different. Some of us might put physical touch last while others may put acts of service last.

All this dawned on me when I looked back on what my parents did for me, realising now that it was their way of saying they loved me. However, I was too young then to know that this was their love language and as such never felt any love communicated. Now that I understand, I have started allowing their love in my life by identifying with their love language whenever they express it.

As ideal as this concept sounds, parents and friends cannot give us all the love we need. That’s when we turn to the Almighty—a God that understands our innermost needs and desires because he’s all-knowing and loves us no matter what we do. When we receive God’s love, we are connected to something greater than ourselves, and that makes us shine from the inside.

So, how then do we achieve a magnetic personality? It’s all about harnessing the love we have for ourselves, family, friends and God because love is a powerful source of attraction. When we clothe ourselves well in love, we become naturally attractive to those around us. People will like us because we are genuinely likeable, not just because of the titles and accomplishments we have achieved (as much as those would be an added plus). Love that comes from our heart will speak louder than the achievements the world defines us by. Think about it: even if we wore flashy, designer tops, but were unattractive because we are cold and bitter, people would not be any more attracted to us if ever we wore a less flashy top.

No doubt accomplishments are still important to help us differentiate ourselves, but it also shouldn’t be the foundation of why people are attracted to us. Accomplishments don’t count for anything if at the core of it all, we aren’t people full of love for others, and therefore people full of love from others.

So, the bottom line is: how do we want people to remember us by?

REFLECTION:

We all crave love and acceptance, but whether we get love that is pure and in the right amount is subjected to many factors.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

Looking for love in too many faces

Searching your eyes, looking for traces

Of what…I'm dreaming of...

~ Lookin’ For Love by Waylon Jennings ~

Feeling loved is a choice; it does not just happen nor is it something guaranteed after acquiring a particular thing. Love is a state of being; just as we would go into a store and choose a dress or a pair of pants, we can wake up each and every day and choose to feel loved. If we want to change our circumstances, we must change our feelings; and if we want to change our feelings, we have to change the stimulus that we subject ourselves to.

Vibes are the invisible words that communicate how we are feeling. It is like an invisible energy that people can sense and most of the times pick up on even if they don’t know you that well.

Parents need to understand their primary love language and compare it to the primary love language of their children and other people important in their lives. Sometimes, kids may go to extreme measures to seek attention, all in the name of wanting to feel loved and accepted. The best way to show them the love they crave is to speak the love language that makes the strongest impact on them. Do remember that it’s relatively easy for us to fall in love, but harder for us to find someone to catch us when we’re out in the real world; and parents are the only people whom we can be sure will always be there for that.