Fashion Don’ts!

Chapter 2

Fashion Don’ts!

Dear chicks,

We all have days when we feel insecure — even lingerie supermodels have their share of “fat days”, as implausible as it sounds. It’s normal to not always feel like a million bucks, but it’s also all too easy to sink into a hole of insecurity — and begin a vicious cycle of make-believe.

What’s this scary cycle we’re talking about? It’s when people choose to hide their lack of confidence behind a negative self-image. It sounds plain loopy to deliberately look bad. But on a subconscious level, they are ashamed of who they really are, thinking they are way too boring and plain for people to like them. So, they camouflage themselves in clothes that are major turn-offs. And those tactics work: Because who’s going to want to know you when you’re a) insincere and b) projecting such bad self-image? Soon, because of that camouflage, they will be friendless — which is yet another reason to feel utterly insecure.

I’m sure we have all met at least one or two people in our lives who were a little too obsessed with owning that bag and that car, having those friends, coming from that school and living in that neighborhood…when actually, they were average people with an average home and average income (not that there is anything wrong with being average!)

Think of girls who can’t walk out of the house without being decked out in designer clothing that shout “Look at me! I’m all that!” and cast attention to their material possessions instead of the person wearing the clothing. Or think of girls who are perennially togged in skin-baring clothes so that everyone notices just their sultry demeanour rather than their actual personalities.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are walking fashion disasters who leave the house looking like they forgot to look in the mirror. They create a kind of armour from attention by throwing on unflattering, baggy clothes in the hopes that they’ll look so ordinary that nobody would care to notice them.

The truth is, these girls are most probably insecure and just trying to seek acceptance in their own ways, not knowing that their attempts to impress or hide are actually counter-productive. But instead of pointing fingers, we have to realise that we too may fall into that kind of behaviour at different times of our lives. We may put on a way-too-mini-dress when we are feeling low and desperate for attention — not caring if it’s lust or love that the clothing choice attracts. Or throw on a three-sizes-too-big pullover when we want to feel virtually invisible to everyone around us. And we are most susceptible to dressing badly because of a poor self-image when we don’t know who we really are, and are too scared to find out.

I think it helps to recognise if and when we ever wear one of those hideous looks, and then catch ourselves in time to change out into better, more flattering outfits. We’re all equally vulnerable to feeling insecure, and we all need to feel accepted and special in our own unique ways. But we all need to make the choice to wear the right clothing, feel confident about the clothing we show off to the rest of the world, so that we can send out positive messages about ourselves.

Before I delve into the various fashion components that make up your prefect ensemble, this chapter will help you ditch those nasty fashion don’ts so you’ll never fall into that trap of hiding behind your clothes! It’s time to get real.

Love,

Jacy

“Around three years ago, everything began to change. The nature of what, or who, is a celebrity has expanded. We aren't saving lives here, but we are creating images, and images create opportunities in a lot of areas.”

— Rachel Zoe, celebrity stylist

[Start of activity plan box]

Judging Panel

People can be quick to judge, but it doesn’t mean you have to fall into that same trap. We may not have enough time to become BFFs with everyone we meet, but we need to avoid labelling new acquaintances on a whim — you never know if that person is just having a bad day or (and we’ve all been there) grumpy because she’s got a serious case of PMS. Cut them some slack and try to give everyone a second or third chance — because you’d like that same treatment too, wouldn’t you?

Ask yourself:

1. Am I judgmental?

2. Do I make snap judgments?

3. When I see a person for the first time and he or she is inappropriately dressed or in a bad mood, do I immediately decide that he or she is an awful person?

4. Am I critical of other people?

If the answers to the above questions are mainly “yes”, don’t worry too much, — it’s normal! But don’t take the norm as a standard to live by. We need to strive to be less critical of others and give people grace.

So if you’ve said “yes” to any of the above questions, start by rating how judgmental you think you are now, and how you’d want to be rated in a month’s time:

PRESENT: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

1 MONTH: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

6 MONTHS: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Now, list down how three ways to becoming a more understanding chick:

For example: Not everyone shares the same tastes and opinions, so I’ll try to be more open-minded

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

______________________________________________

[End of activity plan box]

More flash than dash

I was one of those girls whose behavior was reflected by “flashy outfits”. I used to be a very insecure teenager growing up, because I set really high expectations for myself, and never accepted myself who I was. So in an attempt to fill that void of love and acceptance in my life, I choose to flaunt my achievements, the places

I had travelled to, the people I knew and the people my parents were friends with.

Why? Well, I was hoping to distract people with my adornments of “glamour” and “connections”, hoping that they would one day accept the shattered and imperfect Jacyln behind the more flamboyant façade I was trying to portray.

Don’t get me wrong — owning these designer togs and being an achiever in all that you do is all good, but we need to ensure that we aren’t basing our attractiveness or self-worth on life’s labels — be it fashion, credentials or achievements. We need to ensure that if we were to lose all these titles and labels that people will still love us for who we are inside. Is our personality attractive? Do people talk highly of as a person instead of our labels? How would we be described in our eulogies — great individuals whom others loved to be around, or selfish moguls who built an empire of wealth?

Remember that labels and titles act as a differentiating asset to our lives. They help us gain respect and “friends” but they should not define who we are. Just think about this, would you rather be known as the “Chanel girl” or the friendly sweetheart who happens to own a Chanel bag? These two associations sound similar, but they are as different as Louboutins and rambutans. The first girl is remembered for her titles but the second is known for her attractive personality with an accent of class from the designer bag.

I was scared no one will like me for who I was, so I tried to brag on who I knew and what I had accomplished hoping that they would give me enough leverage to continue the conversation with respect, but I soon realised that it was so superficial and uncomfortable trying to be someone who you aren’t. Not only was I not confident of myself, but my false façade ultimately became less opaque and people sensed my insecurity. This ultimately drove others away, instead of attracting them. My goal to attract with my life’s labels failed because I didn’t fix the problem of the person wearing these achievements from the start.

So if you find yourself trying to show off your “flashy look” with your achievements and connections, remember that we first need to get the person who is wearing these clothing in check first.

The skinny on showing skin

There are times when we feel we need to use our feminine assets to gain attention instead of banking on our actual traits and sunny personalities. Skanky outfits are often donned when we so desperately yearn for attention that we don’t care what form it takes. These are the times when girls wear close to nothing hoping to draw eyeballs of men to their bodies in hope that they would be ultimately loved and taken care of.

We all know girls like this and may have fallen into this type of lust/love attention- grabbing neediness. Just think about the time when you are your friends just went through a bad breakup, are hurting inside and decide to go on the prowl to distract yourselves from the pain. You may spend hours prepping your hair, nails, makeup and most importantly picking a barely-there outfit that’s guaranteed lots of attention. And that’s with the killer attire? Easy, it’s calculated such that, boys…sorry I mean men would be drawn to you.

However, we all know that if we dress like this, the type of men whom we will attract would be the skanky sorts as well. It’s just like the law of attraction, with skimpy clothes you showcase the desire to be loved for your body instead of who you really are, and insecurity will be written all over you. Hence, this look will attract the wrong kind of men into your lives, leading to a sketchy a new relationship based on superficial desire rather than respect and love. The result: Probably yet another toxic relationship that defeats the purpose of your initial hunt — which was to find someone to love you and soothe the heartbreak. Searching for love in all the wrong places, with all the wrong means, is taking the road to disaster.

That said, it’s okay to wear a sexy top every now and then. But there’s a difference between being confident and attractive and downright trashy. Think of two celebs in a magazine wearing the same figure-flaunting dress: One was poised and elegant, pairing it with a classy up-do and understated jewellery; while the other looked visibly intoxicated and unsure of herself, tottering on her too-high heels. Who wore it better?

So remember the next time you reach for a sexy top, know that it can make you look skanky if you’re not confident in your own skin. The clothes and how we wear the clothes give a peek into what we are really feeling inside so make sure that you fix the problem under the clothes before leaving the house.

Excess baggage

“I call this the worm mentality because it’s an unhappy cycle. Girls who think like this feel ugly and worry that attracting more attention will in turn attract criticism.

So, they don’t wear skimpy or flashy clothes; and they don’t go looking for love.

In short, they don’t feel like they deserve anything better; and because they cannot take pride in themselves, they assume that this is what they are going to be forever. The irony is that the baggy clothing does attract attention — negative attention actually — because they are so ill-fitting.”

— Jade Fulleylove, model and fellow chick

Growing up, my family members showed their love by showering me with words of affirmation and hugs, but for some reason I struggled to convince myself that I was good enough. In track and field, I would work my butt off, but there was always someone faster than me. In school, no matter how hard I studied, there was always someone who did better than I did.

When you feel miserable because you think you’re just not good enough, lost and feel like crawling under a rock, that’s when you reach for an extra baggy top to hide your body and other hang-ups, in the hopes that you’ll blend into the wall and be left alone to wallow in your self-misery.

Unfortunately, your unappealing ensemble will simply get you — and all your insecurities and misery — noticed by those around you, thereby attracting even more negativity and unhappiness.

The love game

Another reason for avoiding a well-fitted outfit — why you’re on a mission to self- sabotage any gift of love — could be because you experienced a lot of love-less situations in your life, which have formed your comfort zone. This may be an extreme example: But it’s like how women who were abused as kids, tend to marry guys who abuse them because being treated badly is their comfort zone. Even when what is familiar to you is, logically, not right for you, you may to be drawn to that particularly kind of negativity mostly because it’s what you’re used to. The key would be to first recognise what you’re doing and then do something about it. You can’t move forward if you don’t deal with what you’re doing to yourself.

Maybe you didn’t come from a picture-perfect two-parent family, maybe you’ve been in unhealthy and abusive relationships, maybe you’ve had toxic friendships… the possibilities are endless. Just because you’ve been burnt by love doesn’t mean that you’re not worthy of love.

You are

Precious

And you deserve to be loved as much as anyone else — even if you don't believe it now.

We all come in unique shapes and sizes and have different strengths and callings in life. Yes you may suck at some things, but I’m sure you must be awesome at doing a lot of other things.

So it’s clear that these fashion don’ts have got to go. We need to accept ourselves for who we are and be confident about the naked us. It’s the only way to exude confidence. Toss out these fashion faux pas, start on a clean slate and get ready to package yourself for true success in the following chapters!

Dear parents,

I'm pretty sure we have all met people who love to talk about how they great they are. They love to sell themselves as fab people whom you would be lucky to be friends with, by strategically name-dropping in the hopes of making themselves appear more connected and hence more attractive. They tell stories that only put them in a good light, and never divulge stories that expose their weaknesses...and deck themselves out in OTT, status symbol clothing and accessories.

Deep inside, girls who brag or dress in flashy clothes probably have a major insecurity issue and just want to be able accepted. They think they attract more friends and love with their superficial labels and achievements. Conversely, if there are times your child appears to disregard her attire altogether, clad in unbecoming, oversized clothing. She may have low self-confidence and uses her attire to hide her insecurities.

And why do girls subject themselves to such sartorial faux pas? Well, I believe it is because they never were told they were good enough while growing up. Their parents probably pushed them very hard, critiquing them in the hopes that such Asian “encouragement” would spur their child to success, rather than drive them to complacency with praise.

If you don’t help your child feel loved, she’ll adopt this love-lessness as her identity because she thinks she’s not worthy to be loved. Worse, she may try to seek love from outsiders, sometimes from undesirable folks who could take advantage of her youth and eagerness to please.

I have a friend, whose mum always picked her up after school, dropped her off to meet us in Orchard Road, prepared her vitamins, and cut out interesting newspaper articles to leave on her desk. Her mum expressed love in acts of service. Even though I thought her mum was super-sweet, my friend was always irritated and felt like she was being treated like a child.

Her relationship with her dad, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. He encouraged her through her tennis games, her horrible physics tests, and when she was appointed a Peer Leader. He always had words of affirmation for her, and I could see that she relied on him a lot as a source of strength and comfort. I could see why she derived so much love from him cause my primary love language is also words of affirmation.

Like how a different outfits works great on various people, different folks also express love into a range of ways, according to a cool read called The Five Love

Languages by Gary Chapman:

• Gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch
• Words of affirmation
• Quality time

Out of these five ways, some will speak to our hearts louder than others, and some won’t even register on our hearts’ radars.

This taught me that there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all way to love and be loved. So don’t write off your daughter if she doesn’t seem to appreciate your good intentions. Does she, for example, like to buy gifts for her friends and loved ones? That’s an indication that her love language is “gifts”, and she feels most loved when people gives her presents. You just need to figure out which of the five love languages applies best to your child.

When we shy away from receiving love, we end up wearing our insecurities on our sleeves — the same way we project our low self-esteem by wearing baggy clothes. Such acts, in turn, push people away from us.

We need you to take some time to love us and make us feel special. Otherwise, tomorrow will be another repeat of today’s lousy perception of life and it will be very hard for us to break out of this vicious cycle of insecurity.

And that’s the purpose of my letter to you: Chicks need love and we need you to be provider of pure, parental love. Otherwise we’ll seek it from other, sometimes unseemly sources.

Do try to be patient as we deal with raging hormones and display bouts of rebellion, because the need for love is the foundation to our ability to survive and succeed. More now than ever, we need you to lend a listening ear and switch from being the authoritative parent to one that listens and wants to be our friend. Where else can we get love that is free from obligations and ulterior motives?

Do reevaluate if the amount of love you are showing to your child is enough, and if you’ve been communicating with your daughter so she has the support she needs.

Parents, we need that support and love in order to really succeed in life and we need you to love us with the best of your capabilities. Love us and teach us that we are special so that we can accept your love, accept ourselves and harness the love we have so that we can positive give it to others.

Love,

Jacy