Coming up Tops

Chapter 4

Coming up Tops

Dear chicks,

Have you noticed that the fashionable few may stick to basic bottoms, but make big statements with their tops? Someone in a pussy-bow blouse will immediately strike you as prim and serious, while another decked out in an embellished bolero comes across as flamboyant and extroverted. The bottomline is, tops often send out the strongest message about your sense of style when you meet a new acquaintance.

Similarly, you instantly decide whether you like a person you’ve just met based on what they say, how they talk, their body language, how they interact with you and even the invisible energy they send out. These signals are called vibes. And, like tops, they make or break first impressions.

If only I knew the importance of initial vibes when I was a teen. That way, I would have known how important it was to project myself the right way, so more people would have taken the chance to know the confident, assured me. Vibes are invisible, but powerful messages that we send out either consciously or subconsciously. These are the gut feelings that you get about people, even when you cannot exactly pinpoint the specific reasons for having them. They’re what people remember you by, off the top of their heads!

In this chapter, I’ll challenge you to think of all the vibes you would like to send out, and the ones which are consciously/subconsciously emitting. Tell everyone about who you are, and learn how you could select the perfect top to get the respect and attention that you deserve. In short, read on to find out how to be on top of your game!

Love,

Jacy

How to be the girl everyone likes

We all come in unique shapes and sizes and have different strengths and callings in life. Yes you may suck at some things, but I’m sure you must be awesome at doing a lot of other things. But why is it that some people just seem to make friends so easily? They may not be the smartest, richest or prettiest people you know, but people always surround them. I think it stems from the fact that we all like to be around someone with whom we’re comfortable, who is genuine and filled with sincerity and doesn’t cause us to have our guards up in fear that we would be taken advantage of. In short, it’s a person we can trust because we know his/her intentions are pure.

Vibes are vital

This sounds really scary, but studies have shown that some people base their entire opinion of a person on first impressions alone. Girls, face the facts: Friends, teachers, boyfriends and co-workers — plus whomever else’s paths you may cross — often decide on the kind of relationship they want with you within 10 minutes of making your acquaintance!

Let’s say you wore a skin-baring top that makes you look like you’ve stepped out from a nightclub. Even if you were a straight-A student, ultra-nice and super–responsible, most people (yes, especially given our generation of superficial naysayers) would dismiss you as the complete opposite of who you really are.

Bad vibes, like awful tops, create strong impressions. And when the right vibes emanate from our every pore, we automatically attract the right company and good will, plus create for ourselves the right opportunities. But why do some people emit such negativity?

It all boils down to being a genuine person or a fake. You know how you may meet someone for the first time and you may not be able to pinpoint why, but your gut instinct tells you something is wrong? Someone who is being genuine will send out good vibes. Period. That same person has respect for everybody she meets, regardless of status and station, and does not have an agenda. The opposite: An opportunist who only meets new people if they’re useful contacts or are “worth knowing”. And this fake character will surely send out bad vibes, even if she’s a master at concealing her ulterior motives.

And beyond those initial few seconds of making your acquaintance, vibes also have a more lasting impact on your acquaintances. You know how most photos that you have of yourself show your upper-half and the top you’re wearing? Just like how your top has been immortalised in a photo, those initial vibes also create long-term impressions on some people you meet.

[Start of activity box]

Have you ever been introduced to someone new, a boy your age for example, and for some reason you hold back from getting to know him? He may have a great smile, and speaks eloquently, but there’s just something that’s not right.

Similarly, how do we come across as a class A Witch (and we’re not talking the adorable Harry Potter variety) or a Miss Congeniality, whom everyone wants to befriend?

First, draw up a list (we chicks love fun lists!) of what and who you want to draw into your life, and the people and things you want to repel like a blood-sucking mozzie!

What I want What needs to stay away

Eg: Positive, respectful friends Eg: Toxic friends who don’t appreciate who I am

Eg: A healthy self-confidence Eg: Negativity and insecurity

[End of activity box]

Focusing on what you want will help you select the right tops — that is, those all-important vibes you send out. Instead of concentrating on hiding every insecurity and weakness, decide today to focus on your strengths and doing what you are good to gain confidence.

Slowly, through your expressions, mannerisms, words, body language and even the sense of style, you’ll begin to send out the right, positive energies.

Fits to a T

We all seek that perfectly-fitted clothing that flaunts our assets and plays down the bumps and bulges. A piece that seems to be tailored just for you makes you feel good, and gives you the reassurance you need to face the world. This great top is what makes you feel loved.

So how do we find this seemingly miraculous outfit?

1. Find love by loving yourself.

You know that nagging voice inside your head that keeps telling you that your thighs are too fat or you are not good enough for your crush object’s attention? Recognise your self-sabotaging ways and tell that voice to “shut up”!

Stop drawing yourself to negative situations and people. If you keep thinking, “Oh, I’m destined to be loveless”, then chances are you will be loveless because you will be subconsciously attracting this kind of situation.

Instead, list your top three unique strengths or things you like most about yourself and write reasons as to why you deserve to be loved. If you have trouble admitting your strengths, ask a friend what she loves most about you.

Then, post that list where you can see it all the time, for instance, as your computer wallpaper or on your wardrobe. Add to the list progressively as you go along. Remind yourself every day that you are one hot, lovable chick!

2. Reward yourself often.

Celebrate your every accomplishment regardless of how big or small it is — do it in unique ways. It could be as simple as eating your favourite icecream or buying yourself something you have always wanted.

3. Change your perception and allow yourself to be loved.

Realise and accept that you are worthy to be loved as much as everyone else. Decide today to allow yourself to shine in your strengths and to accept the things you cannot change, and to pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

4. Communicating

If you’re feeling neglected and appreciated, it doesn’t mean you have to immediately leave your friends or family. The true test of love is making your relationships work, and when you’re feeling you’re not getting what you deserve, you should be able to communicate this with your loved ones. I’m sure you’re thinking, “How do I tell my mum or dad that I want them to spend time with me?” or “How do I tell my best friend that she treats me like crap?”. It can be hard and maybe a bit corny to talk about this kind of stuff, but you really should let other people know when you’re hurting. Here are some tips:

Schedule some QT with your loved one. Don’t have “the talk” when they’re stressed about something or you’re upset emotional. Pick a time when you’re both relaxed and can talk about the situation rationally and objectively.

Go old school with snail mail. Sometimes communicating through words just doesn’t make the cut, it forces you to perfrom on the spot. Not only do you need to watch your words but you also need to ensure that your body language and the tone you use is appropriate. So turning to writing gives you more time to prepare and arrange your thoughts. It also shows that you have bothered to take time off to think about what you would to address, as compared to a simple chat.

Get a trusted friend or family member to sit-in. If you’re not comfortable doing the whole one-on-one thing, then maybe your brother, sister or even your best friend can help ease the situation. If your confidante is there, you might feel more open to sharing your true feelings.

REFLECTION:

We all crave love and acceptance, but whether we get love that is pure and in the right amounts is subjected to many factors. Take 10 minutes to reflect if the factor is you and write down three ways in which you want to change this negative factor to positive ones.

[Start of Activity Plan box]

[QUOTE BOX]

“Approval from others was the thing I sought for all my life and it prevented me from reaching my goals. However losing that not only liberated me but allowed me to bless others and pay-it-forward. Don’t wait for permission or the approval from others. Give it to yourself. You deserve it!”

— Jacyln

[Note to parents]

Dear Parents,

As young kids, our world was pure and simple. There was no need to be insincere or anything other than ourselves, and the notion of a “white lie” didn’t yet exist in our psyches. But as time progressed, we may have felt the need to project a different image from who we really are — mainly because we’re insecure about letting our true selves show. As such, we may wind up being insincere, sending out negative vibes that repel, rather than attract, people around us.

Being sincere is being real, inside and out. Sometimes, grown-ups unwittingly encourage us to hide our true selves by concealing our feelings. Case in point: We may be anxious about running for president of the student council. But instead of allowing us to express our feelings of stress and fear, you may tell us to, “chin up”, and not let others see our weaknesses. Your advice may have be dispensed in good spirit, but sometimes we may learn more from being able to talk about our emotions and weaknesses, rather than always having to put up a brave front.

Your daughters also look up to you, pick up your habits and take cues from your behaviour. If you’re prone to making sarcastic comments, for example, your child may be used to such a caustic attitude rather than heartfelt gestures. As Asians, especially as an Asian parent, it may also seem contradictory to your position of authority to admit your mistakes. Start by allowing your children hear you say “sorry” when you’re late for an appointment. Over time, we’ll realise that being true to others, and to ourselves, is key to sending out good vibes wherever we may be.

Love,

Jacyln

[QUOTE BOX]

“Looking for love in all the wrong places Looking for love in too many faces Searching your eyes, looking for traces Of what…I'm dreaming of...”

— Waylon Jennings, Lookin’ For Love